Last night I held a symphony;
a tribute to stars and waiting dawn.
I dreamt of things both low and small,
becoming greater than I've ever been.
I fell and became a slave to who I am not
to become who I long to be.
I rose from dreams and wandered across a golden sky,
speaking softly with the moon.
I stopped and let something stronger wash over
and take death down and through to life.
And I took tomorrow by the hand and led it up
into something brighter still,
because the light is always better when
it's seen from heaven's view.
Author notes
This is the purpose of my life; to become less and be taken over. Oh, the conductor plays a symphony that has never been played before, and I am strung out through the notes.
-Thefallout
A contest entry
- Best Poems Ever by Scion.
900 points, ended October 27, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Score:
R-9 S-8.7
T-8.9 U-8.6
Th-8.2 G-8.7
Total-52.1 -
I have to say. The title set me up for something grand, and I felt a little disappointed in the end. There was a lot of potential here, but as I read, I couldn't get a sense of what you were TELLING. If it weren't for the author notes, I feel as if I wouldn't have understood at all. Maybe, clarity is an issue with this. You do create some vivid imagery, but the execution of the meaning is lacking. Your freewrite style is good and was different from what I've seen before. Also, even without proper rhyme or form, you do very well with grammar and structure. Overall, great imagery and thanks for entering. Cheers, Scion
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much appreciation for the constructive criticism. One of my great annoyances are those people who host contests and comment something like, "That was a good poem." or something similar. So, thanks for that
If I get a chance I'll probably mess around with this one again sometime, I do like it quite a bit and the poems that I like tend to get revised quite often.
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