Sunlight licks the desert with its fiery tongue,
Sahara's wrath turning to poisonous wine.
Pillars of salt dissolve to dust
as holy water spills forth from sinful eyes.
Sorrow swims through every rotted lung,
as innocence falters at words divine.
Slaughtered flesh now soaked in lust,
as sacrificial lambs swallow silent lies.
Blooded crucifix crudely hung,
tapestries splattered through desecrated shrine.
Men pay homage to sins unjust,
ignoring victims' chilling cries.
Evil mothers suckle their young,
and upon the heart of evil, they dine;
devouring the unfaithful, they taste my rust,
my blasphemous fruit, as honey beckons flies
Sombre hymns of desertion unsung,
my first steps cross the imaginary line
separating me from my past, treasonous trust,
for the time has come to sever the ties.
Author notes
I am Immortal Obscurity.
*
Form is the Phyquain, created by Arkbear.
How to write this form:
-It MUST have 5 Quatrains -
No letter ( a ) in 1st L of each Q -
No letter ( b ) in 2nd L of each Q -
No letter ( c ) in 3rd L of each Q -
No letter ( d ) in 4th L of each Q -
Lines requiring same end-line rhyme:
1, 5, 9, 13, and 17 - tongue, lung, hung, young, unsung.
2, 6, 10, 14, and 18- wine, divine, shrine, dine, line.
3, 7, 11, 15, and 19- dust, lust, unjust, rust, trust.
4, 8, 12, 16, and 20- eyes, lies, cries, flies, ties.
My prompt: "Crossing into new faith."
One might say this is personal.
Artist credit: "God Forgot Me", by BeyondLife08 at deviantart.com
In a list
- iii. bronze. • next in list
- x. form-poetry: who, me? • next in list
- i. gold. • next in list
- x. poetic challenge vii. • next in list
A contest entry
- Euphoric, Dark, Deep, Spacious, Epic by Plastic Dreams.
650 points, ended December 20, 2008, 24 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Dark Call Has Sounded. Can you take it? by SheWasPreternatural.
1500 points, ended December 30, 2008, 22 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Just wanted to stop by and say congrats on the gold trophy on this. It was well deserved.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe**
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well...i asked for dark.
great imagery. definitely.
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This was a captivating piece. The style and the imagery kept me begging for more. this was exactly the type of work i was looking for. - T
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I've already fallen for the idea of the timeless sand of which kills all natural obesession with sin cascaded.
This entire write kept me to the edge of my chair just trying to find a flaw in which you may have possibly crossed lines with. I will say that this is by far the best piece I have read in the contest, and in quite the longest time! On top of the poem being amazingly dark in religious tones and taste of wasting "self", you managed to do it with a form I would consider new and quite strenuous. Good lord this was an amazing write and is definitely a finalist.
Thank you Laura. It's nice to find someone of same age that enjoys the same genre of writing. I'll be sure to include you in my AP family once I've judged this contest.
Looking forward to reading more of your writing
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WoW, this is really dark.
The last line is a zinger, that's for sure.
Beautiful poem from head to toe.
I thank you for entering this,
and I wish you all the best.
Love,
jin
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Wow, this really was superb! The raw imagery is intensely powerful. I was hooked from the first line right the way through. Each line moving me to a new place. You have stepped up to the challenge well and made it look so easy...which I am sure it wasn't
An excellent write and a fantastic read. Good luck
Score: 98.4 -
my dear! You have really blown me away with this piece! Your title really gives a soccer punch, and your lines are simply packed with power! I think I must have derailed somewhere, asI had a difficult time finding your prompt
but I have been known to take the detour 
Your words kept it dark and misleading... loved it!
Good luck in the judging!
Mel
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Strong write here.
A few rough spots with the punctuation, such as the line "my blasphemous fruit, as honey beckons flies", there should be a period after flies.
Other than that you really took me into your world as a reader and I enjoyed this very much.
My score
98
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
Wow......totally....WOW!
Each S* is carved into my mind as though they were real........you have taken this Prompt and penned the best in this Round for usage of Prompt.....for me ~
If it were me, I would have CAPPED *Holy*, holy water ~
*salt dissolve to dust.......COMMA.........
*through every rotted(ing) lung,
......watch out for your tense.....either present or past :)*now soaked *...those two words contradict each other in tense....pick a tense and stick with it :)
*splattered though...(throughout) ~
Evil mother (') s........and then you use *evil* twice real close to one another.....another no-no :(
**devouring the unfaithful, they taste my rust,
my blasphemous fruit, as honey beckons flies**Whew!
**cross the imaginary line......COMMA......
separating me from my past, treasonous trust, (;)
for the time has come.....COMMA....... to sever the ties.Make sure you always slow the Readers down.....especially with a Tone as great and powerful as this Theme........I want to absorb E V E R Y single word.........make sure you give me, the Reader, the opportunity to do so :)
I can not find anything else to critique about this write.....only small errors of my own opinion which you can easily edit after contest......you have out-done yourself here with this Prompt........I stand in ovation!
Good luck & God bless....
.....your score shall be sent to your Host!
Bear ~
:)
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Yikes, I didn't even notice the 'evil' thing! I'm always so careful of that, yet somehow I missed it, even after reading it a hundred times. Gah!
Thanks for the review
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powerful write
I can read this over and over and each time I do sink further into it's depth. Amazing write and use of the form.
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woa thisis guud... the stucture is reaaly awesome! amazing write
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Not a form I have ever written but I love to see poets try new things and this is beautifully done!
Great stuff
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Deliciously dark Laura, a genre that suits your pen for sure. Your 4 quatrain is so damn chilling I feel my pencil itching to sketch... superb choice of artist to compliment too.
best of luck
Jem xx
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Oh, my beautiful daughter, this is absolutely brilliant! It makes me sad that you have such words in you, though. You've nailed this form. I'm so, so proud of you!
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Blooded crucifix crudely hung,
tapestries splattered through desecrated shrine.
Men pay homage to sins unjust,
ignoring victims' chilling cries.
This is my favorite stanza and it made me shiver. I absolutely wish i could make poems as beautiful as yours.
i love you
from sunnn
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Very interesting title! Kudos on the form, I've do not have the patience. I enjoy a dark visceral write now and again. The most compelling lines for me, were the personalized ones. S4 L3-4, and the entirety of stanza 5. "I take my first steps across the imaginary line separating me from my past, treasonous trust, for the time has come to sever the ties." Amazing! Geo
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absolute amazement!
you truly humble us with this write!
BRAVO! BRAVO!
what a poem to write and tenderly chew upon!
thankyou for sharing this with us,
it is such a pleasure to read your poetry!
ears/seattle
wow!
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Great form my dear cohort!
Is it wrong that I think it's sexy?
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No, lol
I'm glad you think so
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