I stared at the river flowing beneath frostbitten feet
Memories of summer running through my feeble mind
unable to process the frost that now creeps through my heart
For denial has told me, the sun is still shining
and my soul is too weary to protest
You curled around me like a barracuda
caressing my cheek with your warm fangs
injected ignorance into my still veins
whispering 'Ignorance is bliss'
Worst part is,I let you,
stamping a smile onto my broken face
while my heart cried out stretching and skipping beats
My eyes saw you as you slowly faded into the horizon
Melting into the beautiful sunset from which you came
but the corridors of my brain mumbled 'it is for the best'
So I let you go,
now I'm sitting on dust-filled kitchen stools wondering
Do I wish I never knew you at all?
The chapters of my life was addicted to your ink
to smear my pages and cover my canvas with color
now that your gone, I'm still breathing out a paper back novel
Though It is only filled with yesterday,
Weary re-runs played by a lonely old man
in an antique abandoned theatre.
Spiders spin cobwebs around your yellowed picture
Moths feed on the paper that holds your plastic smile together
Your face is slowly deteriorating in my memory
Soon you’ll be but a ghost of the past
Flickering candles casting their light upon the sun
Maybe its better that way.
Your eyes reflect mine in the mirror
Your mark is engraved upon my heartstrings
Yes, someday you may fade into the bleak painted wall of time
White washed by the ticking of London tower
But truth is, You’ll always be with me
For not matter how many thorns I twist around your memory
I cannot deny that for better or for worse
you changed me,
Author notes
Stamping yes on the forehead, but no in the heart.
A contest entry
- PIF PROMPT CONTEST. by penman.
900 points, ended October 21, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - One day you'll forget about me by WishMeAway--x.
800 points, ended November 25, 2008, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
criticm welcome.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Your imagery was lovely. I do have a few suggestions if you are open to them. First I will say that filler words are hard to chew. For example:
I stared at the river flowing beneath my frostbitten feet
Memories of summer running through my feeble mind
unable to process the frost that know creeps through my heart
For denial has told me, the sun is still shining
and my soul is too weary to protest
You really don't need 'my' in the first sentence. Since you are the one staring, we can assume it flows beneath your feet. Know creeps, I think you meant 'now' creeps?
So, it would read:
I stared at the river flowing 'neath frostbitten feet.
Memories of Summer running through
a feeble mind. Unable to process the frost that now
creeps through a heart. Denial has told me, the sun
is still shining; and my soul is too weary to protest.
You curled around me like a barracuda
caressing my cheek with your warm fangs
injected ignorance into my still veins
whispering 'Ignorance is bliss'
First line is wonderful. Next line you could remove the word 'your'. Since that person is the one that curled 'round you, we can assume they caressed your cheeks with warm fangs. The ending you have the word my and it too is not needed. So it would read:
You curled 'round me like a baracuda
caressing my cheek with warm fangs;
injected ignorance into still viens.
Whispered "ignorance is bliss".
Worst part is,I let you,
stamping a smile onto my broken face
while my heart cried out stretching and skipping beats
My eyes saw you as you slowly faded into the horizon
Melting into the beautiful sunset from which you came
but the corridors of my brain mumbled 'it is for the best'
So I let you go,
now I'm sitting on dust-filled kitchen stools wondering
Do I wish I never knew you at all?
Could read:
Worst part is, I let you stamp a smile upon a face
so broken; while my heart cried out. Stretched
and skipped beats. I saw you slowly fading into
the horizon. Meshed with the beautiful sunset
from which you came. The corridors of my mind
mumbling "it is for the best". So, I let you go.
Now I sit on dust-covered kitchen stools
and questioned whether I really knew you at all.
The chapters of my life was addicted to your ink
to smear my pages and cover my canvas with color
now that your gone, I'm still breathing out a paper back novel
Though It is only filled with yesterday,
Weary re-runs played by a lonely old man
in an antique abandoned theatre.
Here, you could do a little trimming:
The chapters of my life were written in your ink.
Smeared pages and covered with the color of
goodbyes. I am still breathing out a paper-back
novel; filled with yesterday's words. Weary run-ons
played by a lonely old man in an antique
abandoned theatre.
Spiders spin cobwebs around your yellowed picture
Moths feed on the paper that holds your plastic smile together
Your face is slowly deteriorating in my memory
Soon you’ll be but a ghost of the past
Flickering candles casting their light upon the sun
Maybe its better that way.
Perhaps:
Spiders spin webs around your aging picture.
Moths feed on the paper which holds your smile;
and your face is slowly depleted in memory.
Soon, you'll be but a ghost of the past. Flickering
candles casting light upon the sun. Maybe
it's best that way.
Your eyes reflect mine in the mirror
Your mark is engraved upon my heartstrings
Yes, someday you may fade into the bleak painted wall of time
White washed by the ticking of London tower
But truth is, You’ll always be with me
For not matter how many thorns I twist around your memory
I cannot deny that for better or for worse
you changed me,
Your eyes reflect in the mirror. A mark forever
engraved on heartstrings. Yes, someday you may
fade into the bleak, painted wall of time. White-
washed by the ticking of London's tower. The truth is, you will always be part of me. For no matter how many thorns twist 'round memories,
I cannot deny that for better, or for worse
you have changed me.
I hope I didn't offend you. I really enjoyed the piece, and you said you were open to criticism. Nicely written piece.
-
wow.
amazing.
im slightly speechless.
this is exactly how I feel.
really.
this is exactly what I meant when I said maybe I was just meant to break.
maybe one day I'll forget about him.
as you will too.
finalists for sure.
=]]
♥ -
i was hooked by the first line, this poem is one of your best, and thats a bold statement
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I really like this poem it seems to exude emotion I love it
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Wonderful
Very well done. Best of luck in the contest.
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This is an excellent poem, however this contest was for around 10 lines so I hope the judge will still consider it. You may want to revise if you can. Good luck.
♥
whisper
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