i didn't know
you were waiting
in the middle
of those pearls,
just watching--
so
i thought
i'd steal this moment
and cage it with my pen
morning came and i checked,
you were gone,
but there was that nest
arching its back against
a trumpet blast of cold air,
there was nothing,
except silence
-and the speaking
of birds
Author notes
inspired by the piece My lost jewels By Floranda on Deviant art
words by seven
In a list
A contest entry
- What no Golds? by catalyst..
400 points, ended October 26, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Win $50, and be published in the next Allpoetry Book! by Kevin.
400 points, ended January 15, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites Contest by tears.of.silence.
1000 points, ended April 18, 401 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 2 prewrites a poet, you know you want to enter ^.^ by Kathraina.
800 points, ended October 16, 156 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
-
bravo good sir, bravo!
i like how the birds are free and speaking, not above you or below you but on your level and speaking. and how the beauty is gone but you still hear the birds. how refreshing it is to not be reading something about how enchanting the bird song is, i don't feel it is enchanting most of the time. but they are there. i also like how freedom of the birds is implied simply because you mention a cage. but not that the birds are in it. too i like the idea of caging the beauty in words, because the feeling that i get when i experience beauty is that i don't want it to end, so to cage it or nail it down seems appropriate. great choice of words. great write. great idea.
-
Stunning imagery this piece has invoked in my mind's eye. I love your superb word usage here. Great brevity in this piece!
bravo and thank you for entering
♥ kate -
this was sort of a picturesque dessert.leaves you wondering what happened sort of,because the feeling that stands out is that something special was so quickly there and then gone. sort of a fleeting moment. i like this.
-
wow very nice. i love the opening stanza. great work indeed. You've got a 17 for this poem giving you a 61 in points. Great work. Thanks for entering the contest and best of luck to you. Kahy
-
You have some good imagery in this, and a couple of really strong lines. Thank you very much for entering.
-
nice work, seven.
-
...favorite thing I've seen so far.
Applause.
-
ooo I liked this, it had a nice flow to it.
This was really beautiful especially the ending to this write, it sounded as if this had a simple take, but it said a lot. Just the imagery was impacted enough to get me to a place I wanted to be when I read this.
When I read this, it kind of reminded me of everything happening at once, its not confusing but I thought it was just amazing how you wrote it.
I really liked this line a lot as well:
i'd steal this moment
and cage it with my pen
All in all I think I can sum this up in one word: STUNNING, I loved every word.
Beautiful.
-
beautiful, the background is great to..
-
Sometimes we don't notice something until it's gone. While it's there, it's taken for granted or simply ignored and then it leaves and we really notice. This something could be beauty, it could be a person, it could be a strange buzzing noise you grew used to and could ignore.
-
Beauitfully woven tale - best of luck in the contest
-
I loved the imagery in this
-
love it for its simplicity and depth. once again the last stanza has a haiku-like feel to it.
-
I enjoyed this a lot. The title fit perfectly and really added understanding to the poem. The ending was probably my favorite part; very pretty. Just a few suggestions, though. You seem to use a lot of filler words, or access words that are unneeded. For example- the first line would do great as just "I didn't know". It's simple, but still makes the reader want to know what you didn't know without the "what"
I would also remove the "them" a couple lines down, because it's just awkward to me, having a beautiful poem then abrupted by a sort of blunt saying. I think some different punctuation would help also. Except for a bunch of commas, some periods or semi-colons or dashes would work well, in my opinion. All in all, this is a really geat piece. I'm just nit-picky
Good luck in the contest
Jeanette*~
-
-
after a night of sleep, and revisiting this--i've decided I agree with you on the particular piece, and have followed -most- of your advice.
-
-
Good un' hoss. tak tak tak... ding.
-
-
heheh
thanks
-
-
it is really good
Adding your comment:
1 - 18 of 18
