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the sun's art

i pointed at a freckle
an inch away from his left nipple
"this is new."
"don't worry, it wasn't intentional.
it doesn't change anything."
"it's art. the sun's art. and yeah
it probably doesn't change anything."
but still, i moved my head to cover it
with my ear.
i could hear his throbbing heart
underneath the sun's meaningless art.
it rises and it falls
and he let that change everything.
it rises and it sets
and it doesn't change anything.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Auburn Sunrise gold member
    February 28
    Edit | Reply
    Well then.

    I love the ending of this one, and the conversation woven in so seamlessly. The tone is wonderfully wistful. Brings back memories of summer romance in my teens.

    I have a bone to pick with you though! I have freckles!!! lol

    Enjoyed this, as I'm sure I will enjoy all of your work.


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    February 28
    Edit | Reply
    Pretty darned good poetry!


  • cricketjeff gold member
    February 28

    Edit | Reply
    Don't be too scared of "cliche" some truths are eternal and you aren't the first good poet

    This piece is excellent, I am regularly criticised for ending my poetry on a down beat but "not with a bang, but a whimper" can work superbly. I think it does here, You start with the least of thinks, string it into high metaphor and bring us gently back to reality. The close connection with a loved one changes everything and changes nothing, just as the sun does every day.

    A poem is always worth battering to improve it, this certainly is but it is also pretty bloody good as it is


  • Cannonsfire
    February 28
    Edit | Reply
    Those last four lines..they speak but maybe not as powerfully as they still could.Almost wanted to leave it at the 'meaningless art' line. Perhaps 'like eclipses...it rises and sets and it doesn't change anything...or something with a stronger visual..,it's too good a piece not to keep searching for it


  • liltulip gold member
    February 20
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    suns meaningless art....

  • ea silver member
    October 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow, this is excellent at pinpointing that moment of panic when we think we might see something ominous in a loved one's health, and how they and we so want to make light of any possibility of a problem.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    October 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I would almost remove them completely and let it end at the line -

    'underneath the sun's meanless art'

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    October 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You had me totally until the last four lines, they just seem too cliche for the rest of the piece.

    All in all it is well done.


    • The Slant
      October 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      bah i know. i really struggled with the last four lines and i thought i had it down. any suggestions?

1 - 9 of 9