Every time I leave your side,
you come after me in my dreams.
You are angry and your hair cackles as lightning.
Often, I wonder if your touch will bring end.
And words we birthed between us, have since grown feathered; light. So now that it is always a clouded sky of winter in these dreams, the worlds of our words have flown elsewhere.
We are silent movies, moving slowly.
Captions say,
'It has been winter here, for a long time.'
Northern lights quietly return to myth,
and no one will open the door while the well down the road contines to throw up on itself, pouring all its insides out amongst the throes of dying garble.
What I wouldn't give for rubber gloves, so I could hold your hand.
I prefer to imagine that it is only that everyone is sleeping and not so much that they have forgotten.
(symbolic mortality)
Wood wind chimes follow behind, resonate against themselves as incestuous lovers within the grip of wind that never blows anywhere else but your direction. If we were siblings, I would still love you this way~
Rubbing my thighs in the night.
My eyes burn with a thousand suns missing from this sky, dream after dream.
So that it hurts all over, a singed sinner beneath a unforgiving lightning rod. I rub against sight, till the irises fade away-
I rub my eyes till I'm blind.
A white sheet snaps on a clothes line in the wind. Tossed over my head, to assuage your anger. Already I am as a Chinese ghost floating trapped within fragile frames of black lines,
standing;
(but I have no feet)
Author notes
'kami' is the japanese word for god.
Blkwidow77
In a list
A contest entry
- a place between the cocoons and wrinkles. by bird-mad girl.
1750 points, ended November 19, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Another excellent piece of prose! I see here that you're welcoming critiques, so I have a couple (not typos this time, I think you can pick up on those).
L2: I don't think you need 'my' - 'you come after me in dreams.'
And words we birthed between us, have since grown feathered; light. - I feel that 'light' is redundant here, and I do like the use of 'feathered'.
In the proceeding line, how about 'So now that the sky is always winter in these dreams'? The current version is a bit wordy, and feels slightly awkward spoken out loud.
'and no one will open the door while the well down the road contines to throw up on itself, pouring all its insides out amongst the throes of dying garble.' - I love the rawness of this image, however, I think the latter clause could be juggled a bit. Maybe, omit 'pouring all its insides out' since you just stated it is throwing up, and go straight into 'amongst the throes...'?
'I prefer to imagine that it is only that everyone is sleeping and not so much that they have forgotten.' - 'I prefer to imagine everyone is sleeping, [and] not so much that they have forgotten.'? Again, the filler words slip up the tongue a bit.
Well that was a bit much, didn't expect to dig so deep.
This piece was wonderful, thanks for sharing and congrats on the gold!
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awesome. Really a beautiful piece, I love the intensity of the focus, the clear obsession and the fear. What I wouldn't give for rubber gloves, so I could hold your hand. like you would love to be with them without them being able to infect you easy? and the winter feeling really sunk in
and I really love how you said I would still love you this way if you my brother
love transcending boundaries right there haha.
great piece.
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nice. :]
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I must say the space between the lines carry no purpose. They only serve to disconnect your piece...and if that is what you were trying for, then you've achieved it.
There were some vivid images in here...I would like to point out your strongest: The well down the road continues to throw up on itself....Wood wind chimes follow behind, resonate against themselves as incestuous lovers within the grip of wind that never blows..."
I find that you had some filler words. Some were unnecessary, cluttering the tongue and sending it into overdrive. I suggest re-reading your posts a few times to make sure the flow is uninhibited and not too lengthy. -
I am duly impressed with your unique style of presenting deeply held emotions in uncommonly used sensory metaphors. Mix in a dab of aliteration and ... voila..... you have created a dish fit for gold. Good luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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Thank you ! A very great poem you have written here.Very interesting poem I don't think you need to change anything in it because it is fine as it is. If you try to change it you might ruin the flow of this free verse.
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i enjoyed the read, i don't want to comment technicaly on this but lets just say its a preety good free verse poem
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i am beyond famalier light
my muse
where the corners are habit
...
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very deep poem protruding the love for someone. im not sure who. like someone else commented i thought this was about a lover until i read kami means god. eiether way i thought your talent was brillantly shown.
i was a little hesitant about the line where you say 'if we were siblings i still would love you this way' but when i re read it i understood the deepness of it, or at least how i took it. that kind of love is unmatched.
also as i re read it i found myself liking this line more and more. it turned out to be my favorite part of this piece. loved this!! excellent read.
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I like the way the poem reaches for the limits, exceeds expectations, shocks and soothes...combining things that make sharp contrasts...very thoughtful verses, vivid imagery, skillful...PK
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Kami is originally the shinto word (kanji) for spirit - Shinto has many kamis, of lakes, trees, wells, etc. Any sacred place, or place that had a 'feel' to it. I love the idea of sacredness, spirituality of place, and kept that with me as I was reading.
(Kami could also mean hair or paper with different kanji, same pronunciation.) So the crackling hair had a very cool double meaning.
I know you meant it perhaps as God, but seeing the original sense of kami, and one I personally lean toward, gave a whole new level to it for me that I really enjoyed. Then I went back and got to 'reread' a different way. Excellent!
I love how it veers close to many 'taboos', but still keeps a sense of reverence. Well done!
(For me to suggest or edit seems somehow off here, since my meaning and yours were different, but both were very enjoyable for me.)
If you do want more input, drop a line!
Again, merci et doumo!
Mi
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wonderful.
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'what i wouldn't give for rubber gloves, so i could hold your hand'
is that to mean that you want to protect him from you, or protect you from him? at first i thought it was because you didn't want to dirty him (i'm not sure why i thought that) but then i thought.. no... i wear gloves when i'm cleaning with potent chemicals so as to not hurt my arms... so then i suppose it is to not hurt yourself?
hmmm... not too thrilled about 'if we were siblings, i would still love you this way' but i suppose it gets a point across... your love is forever, no matter what... it is so strong that no condition would have made it any different... though... the comparison is a little... "out of the box"
hmmm... now that i read what kami means i wonder if this means i was mistaken... and its not about a love for a lover... but a love for a God... or maybe a longing for one? a wish for something greater than us...
i dont know. tell me.
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I don't think I've ever been so happy about someone entering one of my contests. This is beyond the universe of genius. I will be adding you as a favoirte.
A lot of the words and descriptions you used seemed to reflect things I love or am obsessed with: lightning, silent movies, winter, windchimes, irises, ghosts, and countless others. Looking back on that list of words makes me sizzle.
The emotion in this piece was consuming. I felt like I was at the brink and overflowing with anguish, torment, and soul destroying heartbreak.
This was my favorite stanza:
"Wood wind chimes follow behind, resonate against themselves as incestuous lovers within the grip of wind that never blows anywhere else but your direction. If we were siblings, I would still love you this way~"
That blew me away.
I feel so scatterbrained after reading this piece and I'm sorry my comment is so awful and can't even fully explain how I feel about this piece. It was incredible and I still feel it ringing through my bones.
Thank you for entering.
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Ok...I am faceless...a non entity within your world...and I am not given to gushing praise like it has no value...but you make me want to praise you with a four letter word that starts with "F" and ends in "UCK!"
This prose is in the house of the heart and burning, burning it down, sweet jesus you fly like a poetic phoenix ...from the drain piping pain in the gurgle and glug is a throat swallow that only a sadomasochist could identify with....I identify with this chase...where the busy bee of the day does not suffocate the ghost that rises in the fuckery of dreamtime...
"You are angry and your hair cackles as lightning" Powerful imagery and emotion in one fused fine line of electricity...
"We are silent movies moving slowly" superb show and tell...the home movie from the heart that speaks in silence from the black and white of the heart....
Darn girl...you take this deeper than the devil with the almost incestous " if we were siblings I'd still love you like this, rubbing my thighs in the night" That statement is so, so, wrong yet so, so, right for compounding the connection bereft of anyone or anything so much so that taboo is for old wives and tales told by other mens tongues...
Maybe a forgiving/an unforgiving...Maybe "already I am as a Chinese ghost" /could possibly be " already a Chinese delicacy ghosted " that slight alteration pays deference to the oriental reference and the self but, but my word balloons are just that, pop them and let them fly free...
Loved the depth
You write as deeply as I feel within the mine within my mind, alas and alack, I cannot transmit this intensity from my heart's fingertips...
Kudos
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"and no one will open the door while the well down the road contines to throw up on itself, pouring all its insides out amongst the throes of dying garble."
I read that passage three times. Each time your appropriately placed, and finely crafted words revealed something different. Wonderful!
There is so much here that I am totally bowled over. It's been a while since I came to visit. I hope you are well. Your poetry is as well written as I remember. This is seasoned poetry!
I wish you well in the contest with this mystical beauty.
BRAVO!
Much Love & Resepct ♥
Renee
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Excellence
the singed sinner speaks so loud of what we are, and throughout your phrases and analogies are indigenous of what I miss in you. We all need to see more of you, but especially me...girl I miss the hell out of you.
This piece is deep and disturbing, yet it has a calming effect that only comes from experience. We see and feel things differently in our lives, and it is a game of stages.
Loved this one
welcome back girlie
huge hugs
peace Muddy
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