Come in, shed your coat, step on out of the cold
Brace yourself for the tale that's about to be told
You will see what you hear, and feel many a chill
I know your type, I've no doubt that you will
For this very night many decades ago
One quite like yourself came in out of the snow
To hear the same tale that I tell you tonight
And the poor soul couldn't handle the fright
He stayed late, as will you. Of this I am sure
For here (at the moment) you're safe and secure
You may leave when you wish, but I'm sure you will stay
'stead of facing the night and going on your way.
Come now, as I tell, I'm sure you'll like to hear
Sit down by the fire (but don't come too near)
Here it comes, can't you wait? Don't show such chagrin
For my story is here, and about to begin
One night, a traveler, so much like you
Knocked on my door without so much a clue
Of the tragedy that would occur in this place
(At this point a scared look strikes the travelers face)
And he sat and he heard all of what would befall
And, oh, how he wished he had not come to call
Why hadn't he chosen the house down the street
To warm up by the fire and get something to eat
Now I see, you can't move, are you wondering why?
If you ran away, that just wouldn't comply
With the plan I have made, and I have my ways
To make sure each person that calls on me stays
Well he sat, and he listened, and right about now
He (as you just did) found the nerve to ask, "How"
And I honestly wondered here, "What do you ask"
He replied, "How will you carry on with this task?"
And I laughed wickedly, and I said with a smile
"Don't worry, your torment will last quite a while
For I make it my duty to make you endure
Harsher torment than you've ever seen, I'm quite sure"
I, as always, now see loud in each victims eyes
A fear so ferocious it could paralyze
Maybe a weaker soul might have a heart
And let you, your life intact, promptly depart
But that was not me, and nor is it now
Freeing you's something that I can't allow
I'm not really sorry for what I must do
Though I'm sure you are, I just can't pity you
So prepare, for the horror's about to begin
You may as well comply, there's no way you can win
I relish in the sound of your pounding heart
Prepare, for I consider torture an art.
Your heart starts to pound, and you hold back a gasp
Your breath comes out in a terrified rasp
You feel so much pain, and you can't stand much more
Your eyes flutter shut and you fall to the floor
But I can't have that, for this has just begun
You need to be conscious until I am done
I laugh horridly, as you wake up, aware
And relish in your wimpy, terrified stare
My goal is to slowly prolong all your pain
Insanity will come before you are slain
How does this feel? Aren't you glad that you came?
I'm sure that you'll love all the rest of my game.
So how did you take to my wonderful tale?
It's too late, your screams will be to no avail.
You'll stay here forever, you simply can't leave.
The pain that you feel, I will never relieve.
Author notes
Yeah! My first halloween poem, though I desperately hope there will be more to come.
Thanks for reading!
A contest entry
- Haven't had one of these in a while... by Luckintheshadows.
700 points, ended December 1, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - In search of more favorites. by Antebellum.
600 points, ended July 19, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Maleficent Masterpieces by Miss Macabre.
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Very interesting, a chilling poem that's dark an enjoyable. Thanks for entering and good luck to you.
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Well he sat, and he listened, and right about now
He (as you just did) found the nerve to ask, "How"
And I honestly wondered here, "What do you ask"
You reply, "How will you carry on with this task?"'
This was my favorite stanza. Quite chilling
thanks for entering
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what is special about your work is the perfection of your rhythm, maybe its the musician in you, this is a really really good write
thanks
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Thanks for the comment! I will return the favor when I get the chance, but right now my moms nagging at me to get off the computer.
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that was a good poem i liked it i love halloween and i liked this poem it rymed good and it flowed like water hope more 2 come as well
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Chilling
Very, very good. No suggestions at all Creepy... wonderful rhyming.
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I'm going to comment as I go along. First of all, the opening stanzas are gripping, and the feel is really good.
I'm going to throw out a couple of alternatives that I think might help the rhythm
Line 2 I would consider leaving out the word "dark." It's clear that this is a dark poem from the title and background (as well as the rest of the poem) so it feels unneeded, and I think the line flows better without it.
Line 5: "It was this very night, many decades ago" (just think this flows a little better.)
Line 9: Consider "of this I am sure" instead of "this I know for sure."
Lines 12: I couldn't think of an alternative, but I don't love the line (and not/caught feels a little forced.) It's extremely difficult to make every line perfect, but it's one you may want to consider editing.
The fourth stanza felt a tad too "upbeat" for me. Not sure if this was just me.
I don't have time to finish going through the rest of the poem to give my thoughts as I have to run now, but I like what I've read to this point. You've definitely captured the reader's attention.
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Thank you very muchh for your comment and suggestions. I don't have time at the moment, but will defenitely take your advice. A lot of people on here don't mostly rhyme, and even fewer use very solid rhythms, so suggestions from people who do are always helpful, and I can always use your comments to improve a piece. Thanks again!
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this is eeeeeeevil.
in an amazingly written kind of way.
you have great skill with rhyming.
this gave me the chills in multiple places (in the poem, not on my body).
well done ^_^
p.s. slight rhythm note: stanza eleven, line 2. i think there are too many syllables.
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Astonishing
I love this poem and the style in which you wrote it. You have demonstrated a entertaining command of language that makes the rhymes seem terrifying and conversational. I am sure that if a stranger were at your door, after reading this, they would promptly leave without anything being said. Great job.
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When I was reading through this poem, I couldn't get the Eagles song "Hotel California" out of my head! It loosely reminds me of that song, only your poem has more of a wicked twist in it, which is really cool, may I add! I especially liked these lines:
"You may leave when you wish,
but I'm sure you will not
(From the moment you came here,
you have been caught)"
Very creative...and a great first-time Halloween poem!
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Spooky!
A spooky and chilling rendition of halloween.
I enjoyed this piece, and look foward to reading much more from you.
Kind regards always,
Lilly -
you left me wanting to hear the entire horrible tale! this was fantastic! i liked the rhyming, you did it in a very clever manner.the way you used imagery gave my minds eye a glimpse into what you were seeing.
awesome job! i hope this wont be your last halloween tale either!
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Very nice job. The rhyme and flow of the poem were very good. There was good plot build up that gives the reader the sense of impending doom felt by the traveller, my only disappointment was that it ended so abruptly. It left me wanting the rest of the story.
Normally when I get looking at longer poems, I get bored part way through and have to read a few times before I struggle through to the end. I did not do that with this one and could have easily read 'the other half'.
Well done.
Mike
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I added some stanzas due to your and someone elses suggestions, thank you very much. Did they improve it?
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It adds more to the poem. I think the additional stanzas are an improvement. The rhyme and flow are very well done through and through.
Mike
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well then
That was really creepy. I think I'm gonna go crawl into a dark corner and cry. Great..no.....
SPECTACULAR(oh big word) job :-)
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I can just hear this poem being read in a deep, scary Dracula voice. You've really got a good thing going here. The first three stanzas had me hooked. Kind of reminds me of "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"--highly recommended. I understand that you want to leave the audience to imagine what torture will befall your guest, but the poem became comical near the end as I waited for SOMETHING to happen. Maybe, without describing exactly what you will do to the guest, you could describe what will happen to him (eg: your breath will catch in your chest, your blood will run cold, etc.) This poem still rocks, though.
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I made it a little longer..I didn't like the ending either, your suggestion was really helpful. Thanks a lot!
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Oooh, now this really sends chills down my spine! Wicked and playful...I love it! I love the parts where you ask the guest if he's glad that he came--so cold!
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wow this is a great poem! so suspenseful and mysterious! the rhyming was wonderful! great job!
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