She found his arm
and tapped his conscience
with his hand,
as thoughts carefully caught
each haunting breath
and light filtered
through a fountain of feelings,
as famed fortitude
became the farmer
of unharvested harms.
His shattered surprises
failed to heighten her disguise
and those quaint little notions
caused commotion
without remorse.
Her fingers found rigidity
between cabbage-coloured lies,
as a ripple of realisation
formed a frown across his face
and disgrace careened sideways,
to sit slanted
and sneer...
as refinement fell
from his facade
in quickening beads
of disrepair.
They held unqualified hopes
in mannequin moments,
as regrets slid slowly
through tight pathways
...of the past.
Author notes
Words used: Careful(ly), cabbage, careen(ed), fountain, fortitude, farmer, haunting, heighten, quaint, quickening, (un)qualified, remorse, rigid(ity), ripple.
Only word omitted from the list: horrify.
A contest entry
- Word Bank Anyone? by Pamela A Lamppa.
1750 points, ended November 6, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I enjoyed the graceful phrasing...and interplay of emotions.
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I am sifting images through tears with this excellent poem. Superb use of the wordbank. One would never know.
Your use of alliteration and subtle internal rhyme is finely executed with a practiced hand. I fell into the emotion pressed within my soul. Impressive is an understatement.
Thank you for this wonderful addition to my contest. Simply superb. Best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela
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I liked the alliteration, didn't find it annoying at all. There's a time for subtlety and a time for... something else.
Anyway, some very clever phrasing throughout, e.g. 'tapped/his conscience' and 'shattered surprise'. Enjoyable and thought-provoking read, I wish you much luck in the contest.
Thanks for sharing!
Giovanni
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There are so many parts of this poem that I like, that it is hard to highlight just a few.
"mannequin moments" was my favorite part. Great alliteration, and I also think that it describes the rest of the poem well. You have given an in-depth description of mere moments--of a realization of disappointment and regret. The pace is appropriately slow and heavy, like measured breathing. -
Oh, how sad you couldn'y squeeze "horrify" in there somewhere. A great piece of work showing how a wordbank can be developed into something that resonates.
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great use of the word bank to make such amazing imagery & the emotion is just. wow. i liked this write a lot, i've never seen a word bank entry be written so uniquely & un-cliche. great job & good luck in the contest!!
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I like the write but I found the overuse of aliteration annoying, but that's My pet peeve to deal with, less is more sometimes, but the metaphor is very well done.
MM
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Her fingers found rigidity
between cabbage-coloured lies,
as a ripple of realisation
formed a frown across his face
this is a very interesting stanza
cabbage-coloured lies of green naturally
If envy is green
then lies can surely be green
but they would be paler in colour
than envy
which I see as fiery green
and this gets me to thinking
that both envy and lies are simply negative
and it matters not
what shade they cast
I really enjoyed this poem
good luck in the contest
moon2u
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I loved "her fingers found rigidity between cabbage-colored lies" -- such a mental image! Curious and surprising flow of words, with an underlying unifying theme. Good luck in the contest.
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I LOVE, LOVE a piece with a great end line...
"They held unqualified hopes
in mannequin moments,
as regrets slid slowly
through tight pathways
...of the past."
This piece had great imagery, yet it was tethered with raw emotion that tears into the sould. Thank you so muhc for sharing!
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very creative, colors and textures make a theme, and then the morality ideas come into add yet another...well done in wordsmithing...PK
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