The saxophone paints the room dark blue,
amber lights swim across the ceiling like so many lost fish.
(Dancing reflections off spilled whiskey and beer).
A string of drinks flow down the bar
emptying into me like a river into the sea.
There’s a flood coming.
I am the dam that holds the water back.
I am the concrete barricade
without heart or mind
doing a job
and trying to forget
the saxophone’s melancholy tune.
There’s a heart at the bottom of a bottle of wine
that I can’t get to
no matter how much I drink.
The music drowns in my ears;
a scream that slowly fades away.
There’s a desperate feeling dripping down these azure walls
like the moral ravings of a fallen preacher.
Sadness is behind every torn piece of wallpaper,
under every dime left on the bar.
And then it’s closing time.
Sing the night to sleep
and set the bottle down empty.
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Cheers. 
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I feel alot of tension here, it seems like this barricade wants to give in but feels like it should not. In your second line, I would change the wording to "amber lights swim across the ceiling like lost fish"... that is just a suggestion, however. I enjoyed this piece, lots of playful and dark imagery... i have an idea perhaps that may spark some creativity... You should play with the idea of the bottle on wine starting of full and lead the reader through the time line of the bottle as it nears... it may allow you to intoxicate the reader with this idea, leaving them to sing the night to sleep.
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Thanks for the comments -- I appreciate the input and the ideas and the constructive criticism -- I am always looking to improve.
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"i am the dam that holds the water back..i am the concrete barricade"..
well penned, friend..the whole piece, not just those lines..you bring out the strange and subtle beauty of despair like an old hand at the game..yet one is left thoughtful rather than sorrowed..that is an artform in and of itself..kudos. ---{-@
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Pretty damn cool
some excellent images and original notions
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There is so much I simply love about this piece:
"The music drowns in my ears;"
"Sadness is behind every torn piece of wallpaper,
under every dime left on the bar"
I definitely am developing word-envy at a rapid pace.
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Wow... this write has such a strong meloncholy feel to it. I really enjoyed it! As I read through, I could picture in my head an old, run-down Jazz club or something... dark and smoky...
Your final two lines are my favourite. Great write!
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I really liked this it reminds me of one of mine
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bravo...take a bow...this rocks....
I feel this a lot....you create a superb ambience
you have talent my friend
T
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There is something about your writing that I find familier, unlike another poet, but much like a kindred. You have the feel of an Aquarian I know, but with more of a objective look at your writing as the author. I will continue to be a fan I'm sure.
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You are a soul writer the deeper you think the most amazing word painting you create. Love the blues in your poetry well done.
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I LOVE the title.
This part made my world spin:
There's a heart at the bottom of the bottle of wine
that I can't get to
no matter how much I drink.
My life in three lines.LoL.
Loved it. Good write
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Fantastic
This is honestly one of the best if not THE best poem I have read on this site. Continue your great work. The title is very alluring as well.
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who wouldn't want to read this poem after reading the title... it is GREAT! and the body of the poem is even better. to keep searching for that heart in things that won't deliver it. you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself.
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'The saxophone paints the room dark blue,
amber lights swim across the ceiling like so many lost fish.'
I love your images. I can see this melancholy scene, the lonely bar perhaps on some seashore. It strikes me as a poem of longing, longing and long lost love perhaps. '
Sadness is behind every torn piece of wallpaper,' You've really invoked raw images here and well done. Beautiful writing at that. If you ever published a book of poems, I'd surely buy one!
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Sing the night to sleep
that is a great line
and I bet you knew it when you wrote it, too.
nice one -
Ah, I was drawn to this instantly - primarily because of the mention of wine Also the mention of heart - I just found out I have a heart murmur and I have to have an echocardiogram tomorrow, argh! I say it's not a heart murmur, it's my heart crying A poet to the last, lol!
Anyway! I found this quite lyrical; the scene you painted made me think of a potential video clip to a song I like the swimming and fish and dripping walls - it adds to the ambience of the piece.
Great stuff
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it only got better as it went. one i could relate to hoss. Write on!
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I love the way you write!
Fuckin' excellent!!!
Great imagery here and I swear I could hear the music just reading this poem!
Excellent!!!
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I wrote this while listening to a CD that had Coltrane, Ben Webster and Tom Waits on it. I think the Coltrane song was from the album Bluetrane. Thanks for the comments.
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What a strong finish! I do like the use of repetitive blues here, it seems to echo the imagined voice of the sax. "Sadness" is an apt word and how you describe it settling adds a very textile piece of feeling to this. Blue
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Excellent
I like the changes and I love the title.
Sadness is behind every torn piece of wallpaper,
under every dime left on the bar.
Again I feel like I have been in this place, great imagery.
Well done.
Sorry only got two happy hands left but you got them.
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