you provided the tonic
for my blue gin
revelations
that poisoned
amniotic fluid of
flat affect
and guttered living
you sang me
cigarette lullabies
in dirty hotels
delicately
curled my spine
when i was
too numb to fit
in your breath
alone
and i thanked you
with nine days
of water-colour
perfection
before my
puppet-strings
forced my dance
to another direction
Author notes
Name: Polaja
Word-Bank:
water-colour
breath
cigarette
hotel (hotels)
flat
blue
amniotic
lullaby (lullabies)
delicate (delicately)
spine
curl (curled)
gutter (guttered)
gin
nine
string (strings)
numb
A contest entry
- the way we fall. by aanika.
990 points, ended November 24, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive criticism is always welcome (especially about punctuation)!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I liked this.
however, I didn't really feel the emotion and I feel like you used the words in very simple, easy ways.
I know you're a great writer, and I'd have to say that this isn't your best.
however, it was beautifully and delicately written, so thank you. -
screenname in AN
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Sorry, edited
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I'll be honest, I didn't get it. I liked 'delicately curled my spine' and the other odd little phrases. I think that you used your word list well. Good luck in the contest!
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Perfection
I love your voice in this - gritty and heart-rending. A most excellent piece of work, Poet. I wish you the best in the contest. -
The challenge of writing using a set of pre-chosen words(how fun! I shall have to try it if I get some time), but you seem to have pulled it off quite well. It flows very nicely and reads like a strange dream. I keep thinking about the water-colour perfection, how it would last for nine days and what exactly would be painted and which colors.
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Excellent
Truly an excellent piece...good job at drawing from the word bank. Deserving
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You could probably have guessed that this is one of my favorite titles I've ever seen. Hehe. It goes well with the poem and I love how the connection is natural, not forced. All the imagery and symbolism here are wonderful - especially like how you connect the first stanza with the second-to-last one. The word "alone" on its own is very expressive and effective and I just loved the puppetry metaphors Lovely work!
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Absolute perfection.
you sang me
cigarette lullabies
in dirty hotels
That grouping of words sings so smoothly... just a
fine entry and tough competition!
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anmiotic
Should be 'amniotic'
"flat affect"
If you mean 'effect' the way I think you do, it should be 'effect' with an 'e'.
"blue gin/revelations"
COOLIO.
"cigarette lullabies
in dirty hotels"
I think this could be expanded on...you leave me with so many images, but they don't feel complete to me.
"too numb to fit
into your breath"
Love the way you've used 'numb' and 'breath', super cool...I think "into" is kind of awkward...maybe just 'in'.
'water-colour'
That doesn't need a hyphen...however, the way it was provided on the word bank had a hyphen, but it doesn't need one.
should be==>watercolor, or watercolour
"forced my dance
in another direction"
I think the 'in' here should be a 'to'...sounds better, to me.
Otherwise, I liked this--for a word bank contest (I HATE word bank contests!!! They're so constricting, LoL), but you've done this fucking fabulously...
and I mean that.
You KNOW I don't lie.
Jessica
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Affect is correct: 'affect', like the adjective affective, refers to the experience of feeling or emotion (from Wikipedia) ... the spelling is just my dud dictionary being silly
... the other stuff I shall look at and incorporate as I see fit thank you for the revision suggestions!
Pol -
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I know what 'affect' means...LMAO.
I might've read the phrase wrongly...it seemed like "flat effect", and not flatness affecting you...
It confused me, I guess. -
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I thought you would know ... but yes ... having a flat affect is one of the most common symptoms of schizophrenia (and other mental disorders) - I figured I'd slip that bit in for Diana ... I changed the 'in' and 'to' and the cigarette lullaby stanza is in my editor waiting for some inspiration to hit
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aaaahhhh you did that for meeee
hehe.
*feels special* -
Ooh, a bit of psychology.
Cigarette lullaby...hmm, maybe something about an ashtray, a coda, a mattress, a neon sign?
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so very clever! and wonderfully well written. i can't see a thing i would change!
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