at half past nine
we walked to where
the sidewalk
met the skyline
I was flat lined
and bare
and you whispered
things about
how my spine
curls like the
train tracks
beside your house
my lips quivered
as I remembered
the way your breath
used to penetrate
my core
infiltrate my higher
being and meaning
and the way
you so proudly
displayed the things
I hate about myself
in you
silver strings
hung from the clouds
we used to
watch kaleidoscope
amid shades
of powder
and mold
and I wrapped
my hardened
fingers around
these strands;
their frames
burning in my
callused palms
delicate and fetal
I clutched them and
sang myself a lullaby,
woven from the
cords you used
to scream
when we fought,
and wished
that you
would have had
the common
courtesy
to euphonize me
before you left
your eyes lost their
incandescent
twinkle against
asphalt
and it was
my fault
we died between
ravenglass and
buttermere
I was amniotic
and in that fatal moment
you became electronic
and your sound waves
broke my blue skies
and I’ll never
understand why
our chemistry
was made a lie
or why you dug
your hole
so deep and wide
that heaven
was lost
within it
we perished by ten
yet truly
I was the only
casualty
of the war you
waged on my
consistent heart
until I tucked
and rolled
and fell apart
sometimes
I still walk to where
the skyline touches
my empty street
and watch the
gray crawl
across the
melting sun beams
and wonder
where my spin
has gone...
Author notes
breath
flat
penetrate
amniotic
lullaby
delicate
spine
curl
nine
string
silver
blue
The-Phoenix
Based on something that actually happened to me.
My break up with my ex boyfriend, Alex. (Soul Reaper -Crow-)
Sometimes, I miss his friendship and wish that this weren't so completely unrepairable between us.
I felt like writing and I hope that this is at least decent.
Not so sure it's pure gold, but I tried. =]
A contest entry
- the way we fall. by aanika.
990 points, ended November 24, 2008, 22 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is not what I intended...
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
this is wonderful! I really love the gentle melancholy tone of it.
"I was flat lined
and bare
and you whispered
things about
how my spine
curls like the
train tracks
beside your house
my lips quivered
as I remembered
the way your breath
used to penetrate
my core
infiltrate my higher
being and meaning
and the way
you so proudly
displayed the things
I hate about myself
in you"
favorite stanzas.
-
I was flat lined
and bare
and you whispered
things about
how my spine
curls like the
train tracks
beside your house
oh my god.
this is beautiful.
plain and simple.
thank you so much. -
Truly amazing.
Such a captivating piece. It flowed well and the emotions were crafted just right.
-
Emotions of sadness
Emotionally deep and an awesome write, your use of the words from the word bank are well placed. Sad and truly wonderful display of emotions portrayed here. Thanks for sharing your poem to us here at AP.
-
WOW!
This was absolutely awesome, I so loved
everything about this write, and the way
you incorporated the words fom the bank
was just incredible.
Good luck in the contest.
Bell,
-
"I was flat lined
and bare
and you whispered
things about
how my spine
curls like the
train tracks
beside your house"
&&
"we perished by ten
yet truly
I was the only
casualty
of the war you
waged on my
consistent heart
until I tucked
and rolled
and fell apart"
Are my favorite stanzas.
I'm glad you're not sad anymore;
if you were,
I'd have to kidnap you,
fly to Madagascar,
make edible sex cookies
listen to dirty techno songs while making the cookie :]
I fucking love you. -
A+
I really liked the way this poem flowed and how it harnessed the emotions. As a reader, I can feel the pain, but also the detachment from the grief, or maybe the resentment that this is what life has to offer. Tough feeling from one as young as you.
Adding your comment:
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