Rearranging my fare, I delight the ply of
my languished art.
It's the ultimate disguise, these are the stars in
my quixotic mind.
The film of my life is displayed on a plate.
All sparkles will sink and decay, around me air whirls
in a turmoil of beauty.
All the world is still, an enticing swing sedates me
into an emaciating eminence.
An ominous corruption, her daze lures and stagnates.
The shine of the window laughed, and I became a
model of sly madness.
The music played, I was ignored or forgotten, but
make me your punchline....
I dare you, come play my game!
Author notes
Screen Name: perfecttonight
- Eating Disorders group list • next in list
- Girl Interrupted group list • next in list
A contest entry
- [Thin.As.Air] by Dead Star--x.
525 points, ended October 21, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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What more can one say
You have gold in your writting...mac
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I love this poem. I've read it (and commented on it) before and it's wonderful. One of my favorites. But it's already won a gold trophy, and my rules stipulated that entrants' poetry can't have won previous trophies, so unfortunately, I'll have to DQ it. Sorry...but please feel free to enter something else!!
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I love your description in this its stunning.
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the language in this was amazing, i must say. i like how you described the eating disorder.
great job.
good luck. -
I see why you won gold and love the way you express yourself. It seems that art and ability seem to flow quite nicely with certain things, don't they. It is a trap and a fine one at that. It is inescapable and the way things must be, I am afraid. I am glad I dropped by you locale and saw what you do. Feel free to drop by Candor's Corner sometime. May not be your fare, but heck we're all the same if we dig deep enough. Great write and be well. RC
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Thank you! I will definitely stop by to check out your work!
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You have a fantastic vocabulary, and I was able to appreciate your verbosity. A delicious, evocative read from beginning to end.
This line:
"All sparkles will sink and decay, around me air whirls
in a turmoil of beauty..."
might read better as:
"Sparkles sink and decay, around me air whirls
in a turmoil of beauty."
It is important that your tense is consistent throughout. Maybe it's just me; French and Italian sometimes mess up my English, but I notice you switch from present-tense, to future and present to past in the same stanza, which is a little awkward. Other than that, though, I wouldn't change a thing.
Well done, and most deserving of that gold-trophy.
Best wishes,
Laura, aka Immortal Obscurity
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Stunning metaphors. It reminds me a bit of Anne Sexton. The image also matches perfectly, sort of evocative.
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I was just thinking that this should be a gold trophy winner and, lo and behold, it is. This spoke to a very deep place, of which many of us can only scratch the surface in our writing. You have an outstanding talent, and a great vocabulary (I can tell you aren't just one of those people who abuses the thesaurus) and I wish you the best of luck.
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Congratulations on the Golden Globe....the punchline-lunchline ...the plate that becomes a planet as it sits with all the food akin to enemies...the battle between the mind and the trip between masticating the mulch...Kudos
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its a really good piece of poetry i really enjoyed this and i really liked the layout and the last line was spell binding, well worthy of gold, sorry i never left a comment before, i had to leave before i had the time to comment, but i rememer tis it stuk in my mind, i like the film of my life, if only i could watch mine back tAll sparkles will sink and decay, around me air whirls
in a turmoil of beauty.
All the world is still, an enticing swing sedates me
into an emaciating eminence.
his verse is well writing
keep up the good work and take care -
Superb...
What a wonderful portrayal of a soul's betrayal...I read this twice to try to feel its flow; its meanings that would come to me. Your vocabulary here is great and the arrangement - artistic. The jagged-lines were impacting and the 'warning' at the end was fierce. I can see why you won Gold (congrats too). My favorite lines were, "The shine of the window laughed, and I became a
model of sly madness.
The music played, I was ignored or forgotten, but
make me your punchline...."
Excellent job.
AsIThink...
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the last line is really good and i like the metaphor you got going on here, i enjoyed the read congrats on gold
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enjoyed it...with beautiful expressions filled with meaning captured my attention to the end ...
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WOW
This piece is superb. Outstanding, and no wonder it won the treasured gold cup! I am truly in awe of your awesome penning capabilities. You go girl! We want more!!!!!!!! KEEP ON PENNING, FOR IT LOOKS SO DAMN GOOD ON YOU!!!!!!! CUDOS!
*********POETDONTKNOWIT**********
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Congratulations on the Gold. This was a very deep and intense piece of writing. The more I read it, the more I understood. Very well done.
Thank you for sharing.
Soulful Woman
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I was taken by your last five lines; they seemed to be shaken lose.
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wow the description that you put into this poem was amazing. I loved how every word felt like it was thought about hard and fit perfectly. Great jobbb =]
"stay golden"
gabi
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Excellent
A rather unusual write, yet you expressed yourself quite well, indeed. Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
Beatifull
You manipulated the words to paint such an amazing picture
Very awesome, much respect
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Oh wow! This is a masterpiece my friend! Excellent write
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liked it
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wonderful
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wow.. this is one of the most sophisticated dirty pretty poems ive ever read <3 I love this, its very well written and you are quite talented
♥
Dead Star--x -
Your words are at once dazzling and mysterious -- worth a second read to hear the lyrical quality, as well as ponder your invitation, your dare... the view through the window, laughing or not, may be misleading. A great read!
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The poem made me think of you walking down the street at such opportune moments, humming those poetic words only to later on hurry home and keep it alive on a page while the eyes and lips on your face twinks in a mischievous grin, wondering what a folk like me would say about such a poem.
You certainly made the poem a very tangible piece of work. If I did not know any better I would've thought I could flick some of those moments around with my mere fingers.
But then again...I'm not exactly a model of normalcy.
*Grins at the sly madness*
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If I had know myself a 'writer' when I was in high school, I would have been the exact girl you described here....
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The imagery here is amazing... You have a wonderful vocabulary, and I just love words like 'languished' and 'quixotic'. A stellar performance, on all counts. Well done, and good luck!
Laura
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The music played, I was ignored or forgotten, but
make me your punchline....
I dare you, come play my game
amazing poem hun!
you had good imagery to these lines
all the best ,
vanna -
Excellent
A fine good write; you've expressed yourself quite well, indeed. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Again, well done. -
bravo
this is a masterpiece i love words and these combine so cleverly as if they are old lovers, they flit around in my soul like tiny fire flies it is just so creative thankyou
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Played Well
The whole piece is written as if the words are music, drifting through the air. The words seemed to dance around me as I, mentaly, turned my head to catch the nuance. Your words were chosen carefully, it seems, for replaced with another, would change the melody.
I loved the line,
"...an enticing swing sedates me
into an emaciating eminence."
Music makes me seem ,( to others), more than I am, and it electrifies my personality into a force to be reckoned with.
Thank you for the dance.
(I will admit that I had to look up quixotic. It's a great day, the dendrites are growing. lol )
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This ends on such an audacious note. As if within you there cries out a longing to be free. I can see that nothing comes easy in this painting of words, so step up and dare yourself, play to win.
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