The sunbeams are warm and fluid.
Like a babbling brook flowing
from silver laced waters as
it falls around me in an
enchanted baptismal.
I can ascertain the trickle of water.
Like the laughter of a
young maiden.
It trickles and sparkles
like a playful raindrop.
I observe it fall back into itself.
I feel a cumbrous emotion
sliding over me, through me.
What is this sensation,
am I afraid?
I sigh sentimentally over this emotion,
for I know it is love.
The thrill of desire and unity.
Being banded together as one,
tasting a lover's lips.
Soon enough, I will know this urgency.
Lost in love's endless embrace.
Until then, I let the sunbeams
dance in their water
laden rhythm.
A contest entry
- WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR by Swan song.
1300 points, ended January 16, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Anything (PW Allowed) by swimmeroks.
900 points, ended January 6, 108 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What does this make you feel deep down?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I love it. Flows effortlessly. Beautiful imagery. An all around lovely read.
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Oh my!!!!! You hit that one out of the ball park!!!!
A lovely write and you present very clear imagery
here,
This is a complete poem and has an excellent effect.
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Very good
Love the language you use to convey this. Very Beautiful.
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Beautiful imagery, but "cumbrous"? Kind of hit a klunk there. That and "sentimentally" break the rhythm in that area.
Compared to the lilt of "I can ascertain the trickle of water.", things seem a bit off. Still beautiful though!
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Well-expressed.
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This is really beautiful. I can see why you chose it to submit into the contest "Best Poems Ever." It's really great!!
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Oh I love it
Youhave penned a great piece of work here and it read so smoothly as though standing beneath the fall myself Bravo
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Scoring:
R-9 S-8.8
T-8.7 U-8.7
TH-8.4 G-8.3
Total-51.9
This had a lot of potential to really blow me away, but the rather choppy flow caused by the lack of punctuation sort of drug it down. I know this may be a personal style thing, but one main aspect of writing poetry is to anticipate how a reader will be able to move from one idea to the next, one line to the next, one word to another, and so on.
However, your imagery was rather stunning, and the story was quite beautiful. I did feel that you were telling rather than showing, but I understood better that way. Theme seemed a little off from the prompt, but I read through the colorful guard of imagery and arrived at a semi-purposeful understanding. This was a creative take on the prompt and stood firm under my watchful eye. Cheers, Scion. -
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Hey
Why don't you take a second glance at my piece. I did some refining and added punctuation. I think it made it a more enticing piece. Take a look and please give me another rating. ~
Gypsy~
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Very romantic lass.
This piece had a feeling all it's own.
It plays with water and light that ebbs into the soul.
Beautifully done because it has the promise of happiness and hope....
What we all want indeed.
Much love gypsy.
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This is stunning. Amazing imagery and metaphorical language here. Best of luck in the contest!
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This couldn't be any more beautiful! Filled with phenomenal metaphors and choice similes! You've nailed this one, my doll. Good luck in the contest!
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