Crying a river,
levy walls about to break.
Searching for the exact day,
a time when the road veered
left,
I choose to go right.
How could I have missed it,
scarlet letter on my chest.
Trying to make the jigsaw puzzle
pieces fit when they obviously
didn't.
Your round hole, my square peg,
crammed into place for a blink
of an eye.
For all intents and purposes,
a picture perfect charade.
Until I broke the spell,
wanting to have a face in
the emptiness of your heart.
Needing a louder voice to be
heard over the screams of
sirens, flashing red light warnings,
while you continued to tread water.
Weighing the cautions
against the broken pieces of
splintered glass impacted under the
surface of your flesh.
Hour glass of yesterday
having shattered the integrity of
your being.
On and on unvaryingly we went,
layer after layer,
peeling back bits and pieces
of the scarred tissue.
Exposing filled suit cases
still packed,
lies folded neatly.
The house of cards built
on a foundation of mistrust
so thin...so fragile,
waiting for me to step just once
in the wrong direction.
You watched from the distance
as the walls came tumbling down
in heaps on top of me.
Buried in your smug satisfaction,
content in your thinking.
A coward who watched the pain
engulf me,
sitting on the bench.
Waiting another turn to swing the bat.
Slapped hard, stinging cheeks,
blood stained in vain,
the inevitable motion of
no turning back facing me head on.
Now you dare to come to me,
to burglarize my dreams.
Just a common thief in the night,
a robber of peace and serenity,
trying to steal what you can't have,
while I sleep.
You come armed with memories flashing,
rolodex images,
plastered smiles on mannequin faces,
white picket fences.
Not a hint of your round hole,
my square peg.
No forced jigsaw puzzle pieces.
Only the dangerous perfection
of flawless illusions...
daring me to feel something from
the nothing you left behind.
In a list
A contest entry
- Ego Trip by Theasp.
525 points, ended October 26, 2008, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For The Liars, The Cheaters, The LOSERS!!! by PerfectImperfection.
600 points, ended November 13, 2008, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Ultimate Cricket- Preliminaries by B Chandler.
400 points, ended May 13, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Can you reach my expectations? by Ti Amo Te Quiero.
750 points, ended May 17, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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not bad
it has potential -
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beautiful, and congrats on the gold win... thank you for entering the contest, good luck
♥
whisper
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I love the last line so much! That is so powerful, it really moved me. You have amazing talent! I love this , its really beautiful!
Writingfree -
This is a wonderfully emotive piece! I love the depth you put into this, weaving such a powerful jolt of pain, longing, deception, and revelry's pleading to consume. The ending absolutely blew me away ...
{{ scared = 'scarred' here; and the phrase "dumpling down" really just stood out to me in a sort of displaced way, I just thought I would say that.]]
Overall, this is amazing. thank you for your entry & Best wishes in the contest!
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Thank you so much for the wonderful comments. I'm glad you enjoyed reading this piece. As far as the two typo's you caught...I can't believe I missed those for so long...I have read this piece o100 times and just read it the way I wanted it to be, not the way it was written...I never would have stopped long enough to realize they were mis-spelled words. Thank you so much for telling me so I could correct them.
Again Thank you.
Shelly
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Wow. I see why this won gold. The second-to-last stanza is perfect. I love every bit of imagery you've crammed into this.. sorry-- crammed is probably the wrong word lol, but it's rare to find one so overflowing and every line fits so well, I've never been able to make such diverse metaphors flow well together. The transition from reality to the tempation of dreams, the stark contrast between the texture of the images. . . I admire this rather a lot. . . and the link stanza. .
One to read over.
Though I do agree with that guy. . ./ girl-- that it might read better with some punctuation.
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It has few small tweaks needed
crying a river levy walls breaking
searching for the exact day
a time when the road veered( you have an ambiguous feeling so A is appropriate)
left, I choose to go right
how could I have missed it
scarlet letter on my chest
trying to make the jigsaw puzzle
pieces fit, obviously they(when is unnecessary)
didn't
your round hole, my square peg
crammed into place for a blink
of an eye
for all intents and purposes
a picture perfect charade
until I broke the spell
wanting to have a face in
the emptiness of your heart
needing a louder voice to be
heard over the screams of
sirens flashing red light warnings
while you continued to tread water
weighing the cautions
against the broken pieces of
splintered glass impacted under the
surface of your flesh
hour glass of yesterday
having shattered the integrity of
your being
on and on unvaryingly we went
layer after layer after layer
peeling back bits and pieces
of the scared tissue
exposing filled suit cases
still packed lies folded neatly
the house of cards built
on a foundation of mistrust
so thin... so fragile
waiting for me to step just once
in the wrong direction
you watched from the distance
as the walls came dumpling down
in heaps on top of me
buried in your smug satisfaction
content in your thinking
a coward who watched the pain
engulf me sitting on the bench
waiting another turn to swing the bat
slapped hard stinging cheeks
blood stained in vain
the inevitable motion of
no turning back facing me head on
now you dare to come to me
burglarize my dreams
as a thief in the night
a robber of peace and serenity
I sleep
you come armed
with memories flashing
Rolodex images
plastered smiles on
mannequin faces
white picket fence
not a hint of your round hole
my square peg
no forced jigsaw puzzle pieces
only the dangerous perfection
of flawless illusions
the path swept
the gate is locked
the last piece lies beneath
a hammer with a broken claw
This would be better with periods and commas, but all in all it is beautiful, and almost perfect.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you...for reading and commenting. Thank you so much for the Gold trophy...I so appreciate the fact that you got out of it, what I put into it.
I also appreciate the tweaking you've suggested. I took most of your suggestions, after many more edits. I made some changes immediately and have come back sense and made more. I haven't gotten the nerve to change the ending because I have gotten good feedback about the ending I wrote...I'm torn. I loved the creativity of your ending...it was very powerful. I may end up using it, who knows at this point.
Again I thank you so much for the win. I am touched by it.
Shelly
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Truely amazing
I would like to give you my favorite part but i cant it was masterfully written .Beauty dripped from your pen with every line .This piece was so easy to relate to and it sucked me in at the start .this has to be one of my all time favorites
Great job ! please keep sharing my friend
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Thank you so much Storm-Goddess for your very kind words of compliment. I appreciate you stopping to read and leave your feedback...it means alot to me truly.
Shelly
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Wow!!!!
Wow, this is really great!!!! I loved the way it started off, and it flowed really good through the whole thing! I really liked it, and I have deffinetly been there, thanks for entering and XxGooDLucKxX -
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Thanks for reading and commenting on this piece...I appreciate you stopping in.
Shelly
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what is ment by the round hole and the peg?
not a hint of your round hole
my square peg
i really liked this though a lot of it went over my head i think i understand what this is about i have been here, as have many, there is some really wonderful descriptive language used in this piece; I was hooked from begining till end... SO THAT'S A GOOD THING!!!!
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My round hole his square peg means the differences between us...not being the same. The story is about the differences betwwen us always being a factor when we were together...he always holding back because of his heart being broken before and then setting me up so the relationship would fail...until he comes to me in my dreams where none of that matters, trying to tempt me into believing none of that is an issue, where everything is perfect, no differences...like illusions...dangerous because they have no flaws, only perfection when you think about them. When the reality is all of the things that were wrong would still be wrong.
Thanks for the read...I hope you get a better understanding now. Try reading again see if it makes sense.
Shelly
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AMAZING
OMG I cannot believe that I just read something so SPLENDID .... an amazing continuity this had ... u know the way u started off :
crying a river levy walls breaking
searching for the exact day
the time when the road veered
left and I choose to go right
and then the piece ended in an acrimonious way :
daring me to feel something from
the nothing you left behind
The entire piece was meticulously planned .... nice .. naah ... PERFECT use of imagery ...
It is always a pleasure to read your work because you write with such clarity and precision .
well i hope I am not being rude o anything but I suppose of all your works I have read so far this is possibly the best one acc. to me ..I think this way every time I read your poetry ..... and well this statement might change if I get to read some more from you ... u know u just keep competing with yourself .... I AM HIGHLY IMPRESSED BY THIS WRITE OF YOURS !!
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You are too good to me girl. I appreciate your compliments and am so appreciative of your comments. Everyone needs others to appreciate what you write...I'm glad to have you as a fan.
Now and always,
Shelly
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There is in this the artist recording and blending all the illusions with the truth, picking out the flaws and demanding beauty at least be found in all the glittering pain. It would be easy to be maudlin or in the curse of catastrophe and calculus of pain to become passionate with a palate of purple prose. You nicely avoid these obvious traps and instead capture us with the violence of the self destructing relationship, the games of self protection played that caused a sense of abadonment and greater pain than honesty's blunt knife.
In the end the over all effect is chilling as it is sad, catastrophic as it is horrifying, objective and cold as it is so painfully honest. There are no heros here and even the villian is a much victim as curse. The poem is stupendous, the event -- one we would sorely love see never take place even when all too often in the search for relationships fashioned in the court of love rains become hurricanes and eyes so clear full of a blindness of tears.
Love, Tom B.
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Tom,
Thank you so much for the read and your most welcome comments. I appreciate your compliments. Love and rerlationships have been subject for many a writers pen...when they are good the pen writes of a love like no other, when they are bad, the pen writes of "catastrophe and calculus of pain" I appreciate your insight into this piece. It meant alot to me.
Shelly -
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Drop by and see my newest. It is full of whimsey.
I shall have to keep knocking at your door and dance with word and verse.
Love, Tom B.
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Hello Nevedapoet.
Another step up from the last time I read your work. Strong imagery and nice metaphors, also you showed a bit of panache, or it could be the way I read it, hahaha. On a serious note, a well written strong piece, and I do like the full circle as you went back to the things you were first describing. I would comment on the punctuation and what not, but am sure you know my stance on that. I wish you well in the contest. Hope you and your daughter are well.
My regards.
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Mr Ace...oh how I have missed your meticelious critiques. Thank you for the compliments...especially noticing "the step up"...have been working hard at being a writer, not just a cry baby. Your opinion always means so much to me.
Be well now and always,
Shelly
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I really liked the metaphors, and the interesting new language association worked so well: it was delightful and refreshing to read someone who could actually accomplish it, when so many fail. However, the only thing I didn't like was the ending, it was too common; you need something different to set it on fire: some secret.
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The ending was written a dozen times before I settled on this one...but I agree...just not quit sure how I should have ended it. Thanks for the read and for the compliments. They mean alot to me.
Shelly
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brill loved but left aline it i swear it will look better lol
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Thanks for the read. You were right...thanks for the suggestion, left align looks much better. I appreciate it.
Shelly
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Oh my...I am listening to Amy Winehouse at full blast...what better background music to listen to your voice voicing the imperfect jigsaw picture in the puzzle of the illusion no longer lost on you but on him...the last two lines slame the door from here...there...to infinity...go get another jigsaw but check all the pieces are there before you leave the store...
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Thanks for the read...glad you liked and glad it fit so well with the music. I appreciate the compliments...they mean alot to me.
Shelly
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All I can say is WOW! This is an absolutely amazing write! The words, the tone, the imagery. All simply amazing. Beautifully written. Exceptional piece. Thank you so much for your entry
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Thank you so much for the read and for the welcome comments...they mean alot to me...really.
Shelly
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