Trapped within a veil of lies.
Tightly held within your eyes.
Mesmerized I can't break free,
Held ensnared with no reprieve.
White hot control you solidly weld.
Can this be love or something else?
Clothed in temptation you captivate,
But minus salvation, I'll smoother prostrate.
You're a master of the manipulated clause.
Leading me to believe it's all my fault.
But I'm not always bound by your toxicity,
And I must break loose and be set free.
Perceived by others of no ill intent.
But this enslavement is so malignant.
My demise is but a matter of time,
Less strength is found to draw the line.
A contest entry
- Bright White Jackets by AutumnsFlame.
2667 points, ended January 20, 2009, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The last four rhyming lines seemed very forced to me. Also, your meter switched halfway through the poem. You used some good description, but I think you should try freeverse instead of trying to force a rhyme. Thank you for entering my contest.
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Well you as judge are entitled to your opinion of course. And as to my meter. It may as you say be slightly altered within this piece. I can appreciate your keen eye in noting that. It's my sometimes style to switch that in certain pieces.It's hardly ever suggested my rhyming skills sound forced though. And,I didn't feel it was in this.As far as trying free verse,I have. And find those who can accomplish good free verse composition ,far and few between. But enjoy reading good verse regardless of it being free verse or the more traditional old masters rhymed.It's a personal preference of mine to compose the latter.Good luck in all your future contest endeavors.
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Strong parallels to the prompt and a fevered pitch
of turmoil presented. Malignancy, slavery, lies and
ensnarement all represent the holds of what we
allow ourselves to believe. Self-inflicted, these constraints and your final line shows the way out...if only hands would reach. Blue
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Thanks Blue.It's not about my own past fate. I'm too irritatingly obstinate to fall into that kind of trap.But have felt compassion's for others in that situation.Most would not consider me worth the trouble to try any holds on me. Ha! I'm the drive um crazy or just away type myself. Dam proud of it. Ha! I give as good as I get.
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