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Green

She starts her clock a-spinning in a radical direction
Aftershock is creeping from the source of her affection
Leaning on the cherry blossom Coke is in her hand
Listening to the music by a beat and broken band
Sixty-seven seconds and the countdown's coming closer
She thinks she's far enough away from anyone who knows her
Smoke is in the distance, looming angry mob
Crazy sugar's not so smart for anyone to rob
Long hair never cut and a face that's never shaven
He comes to her for comfort, this is his one haven
Crimson dripping on the ground, instrument's a-breaking
Screaming at the highest pitch, windows they are shaking
In any other world they would live and be accepted
Earth is not a place for differences; must be perfected
Now that they have done their worst, hoping he would die
They've left him just enough of his life to look and say goodbye
An emerald tear shimmers for a moment and dances down her cheek
But then she smiles cause where he's going he'll never have to speak.

Author notes

Pumpykin

People judging others based on what they look like and how they speak, etc. and wanting to destroy them for it...it's rather disgusting.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • Naridill gold member
    September 28

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    You have a brilliant start here, the basis of the poem is written powerfully. As I small edit, I think changing the lines into two lines would help the flow more and create a smoother feel. I also feel its a bit bulky and adding it into stanzas would benefit. Towards the end, your phrasing hits nicely and I feel the imagery is stellar.


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    September 18

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    It is my pet hate, the way people judge each other just by what's on the outside or their upbringing. You capture such a poignant voice in this piece. Well said. best to you in the contest

  • piccola silver member
    November 26, 2008

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    I agree, judging on appearances or whatever is just wrong. Nice write. The rhyme and meter are good which helps the story flow along well. thank you for entering


  • FloridaGatorQueen silver member
    November 10, 2008

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    This is an awesome poem. I could feel the pain and the sadness of this piece. I enjoyed the read!!! Thank you for entering my contest


  • RatherImaginative silver member
    November 4, 2008

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    The even rhythm of the piece makes the piece very pleasant to read, and very well enhances the sadness of this narrative. How the characters relate to the events within the poem is a little disjointed, but the result is tragically clear. Thanks so much for entering my contest!


  • mcw120588
    October 31, 2008

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    if only you werent a mystery poet...

    its well written and i suppose the title connects to the emerald eye? who killed him? the mob or her? and why can't he speak? im just connecting your authors notes here with the poem trying to make it all connect for myself. the images and the structure do flow rather nicely im just not entirely sure i understand everything here

    • pumpykin
      November 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Lol well I much prefer reading/writing poetry that isn't straight forward; doesn't just give it away. I like to leave some mystery in it to make people think of exactly the kind of questions you asked. By doing that, it creates a lasting impression because it'll linger in people's minds. And yes, the mob killed him, and it's not that he couldn't speak, it's that he had such a different way of speaking, with obscure slang and such, that others just ridiculed him for it. Hope that makes sense lol


  • trekkergirl
    October 28, 2008

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    hummmm.... very creative. I am not sure tho where the title comes from. Nor am I sure that I understand it all. Thanks for sharing this and thanks for entering it into my contest.

    • pumpykin
      October 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Well the title is cause it was initially for a picture prompt contest and the picture was a very green eye with a tear falling from it


  • BleedingBlackTears
    October 28, 2008

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    well done im not sure i understnad the whole thing the way you wrote it but i think half the point of poetry is that its what the reader gets out of it and can take away from themselves we could all read one poem and see things a hindred different ways. nice work. i love it well done. good luck


    • pumpykin
      October 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah, that's the beauty of poetry ^-^ Thankss


  • sensualbutterfly
    October 17, 2008

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    I love the quick flow of this piece. It is so sad and yet so true. The world should not be the way it is but sadly it cannot be changed. Thank you so much for entering this wonderful piece in the contest


  • OldBear34 silver member
    October 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Exciting Flow!

    The tempo just keeps increasing as one reads on. You give us a speedy ride to a sad conclusion. Great write!

1 - 19 of 19