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[ The pappus on the inner ear ]

The pappus on the inner ear
Is something that we used to hear
Before the torrid underbrush
Became a pesky boisterous flush

We miss so much of subtlety
When joys we can not guarantee
The spoilt dilusions of the earth
Distracts us from such beauty's worth

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Gaffer
    November 20, 2008

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    The vocabulary in this poem is very unique and interesting. However, I am not sure I understand all of the metaphor going on here.

    The second stanza is more straightforward I suppose. The first stanza has better language and more interesting imagery though, but I just don't get the message from the first stanza like I do from the second... maybe there is a middle ground somewhere.

    The last two lines are very well written. I wouldn't change those. Especially well done considering you were working with rhyme. The last couplet's rhyme is really good.


  • petalblue2
    October 23, 2008

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    The language in this poem is lovely and I enjoy the abstract quality. I cannot put a finger on what it is you are portraying however. If you designed this to be a mystery, then bravo, quite the mystique. Very nice write.


    • marmac
      October 24, 2008
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      Oh- It was supposed to be a comment about the subtleties of life that we miss when we are preoccupied. I can see how it could be unclear... Especially the first stanza. I'm still working on it. Thanks for the criticism!


  • This Is My Story
    October 22, 2008
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    This is a good write its very descriptive!