how sad it must
have been to need
so many women;
breaking hearts
of perfumed bodies
weeping beneath you.
I filled my mind
with wars between
Trajan's and sweats aroma;
as you slapped hard
against rounded hips
of those soon to be forgotten.
I wanted to do
something about your
makeshift manhood;
upon meeting your
latest victory over
lost virginity;
I crossed myself
with her confessionals.
Author notes
"IT'S NOT OK"
A contest entry
- LOTS OF OPTIONS! by Shenanigans.
700 points, ended November 23, 2008, 37 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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nice i like how it doesnt rhyme
.
Thanks for entering
kmp -
AWESOME!! I love this so much. It took me a minute to figure out the perspective--I gathered you're the friend of a virgin the guy de-flowered...I hope that's right! More than the who's, who, though, this poem is phrased so beautifully--you describe the man very well without describing HIM at all-- rather, he is known through the women's reactions--weeping, confessionals, your pity "how sad it must have been to need so many women." I like that there's a sense of weakness--sad, makeshift manhood, etc. It takes true man to love for quality...not quantity. Also I love how you described the girl in just 2 lines--his latest victory over lost virginity. I just thought it was so cool because really, the girl is the one telling her "confessionals", (I assume the person you once knew), but you address the man instead...I've heard some stories that have made ME want to tell the unknown characters "Look what you did to my friend!!" and I think it's cool how you make known what he's done to her and others, while at the same time by only describing HER indirectly, it's almost like this man and what he did is now a part of her identity...that is she is defined as another of his "victories." Last, I enjoy your role--crossing yourself...It gives a kind of "there but 'fore the grace of god go I" feel. Excellent work, best of luck to you in the contest! --Shannon
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ehhhh......
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This is a splendid poem you have written.
Exellent emotion and imagery within
A most wonderful poem indeed.
Best of wishes to you alway's.
Tony
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Thanks for sharing this poem with us. This poem flows very well and the colored background helps out a lot with the poem too. Thanks for entering into my contest.
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wow ok that was so awesome! really powerful and full of emotion...i must say i loved the last two lines....something about them just really stood out to me.
awesome work!
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a brilliant poem sis very deep and vividly powerful good luck in the contest sis take care
*maralisa
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Wow... I've sure been here... very powerful write sis!
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sometimes we wish we had never know them...
everyone has at least one person they know
that they could send this one to.
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Shoot, this is a hard hitting piece, you just hit this on the head and shook it some. I love the way you worded this, even when it was gentle there was a harsh reality to it. Brilliant dear sister. Best to you in the contest
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