All that was more has turned to less
as palms turned skyward fill with rays.
Am That I Am knows my distress,
and sows those seeds for darker days.
I'll spill the milk and clean the mess.
I fall upon my knees in praise.
I bring the olives to the press.
The dead in Christ the first to raise.
The pack is led by feral hounds,
ravenous upon their trail.
The howling full of haunted sounds,
upon the moonlit night to sail.
Where powers reign and greed abounds
the lusts of flesh and wealth prevail.
Searching in the Lost and Founds,
an imprint on a sea-bourne shell,
some sign that we can recognize,
that sunny day and restful night
are more than just a prophet's lies.
The barriers of dark and light,
that separate opposing skies,
the mind adjusts to second sight,
and seeing falseness in their eyes,
calls out the names of wrong and right.
A contest entry
- Rhymed prewrites only ... by ecrivain01.
750 points, ended November 14, 2008, 61 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Oh, there is a lot to like here but the poem has two Achille's heels.
The first verse just hums along in Iambic meter (da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM) and then in the second verse there's a serious train wreck with:
RAV-en-ous up-PON their TRAIL
Starting with a stressed syllable really throws the brakes on a verbal reading:
The PACK is LED by FER-al HOUNDS,
so RAV'-nous ON their TRAIL.
is the best work-around I can think of off hand for that... imply ravenous is to be read as two syllables with the apostrophe: rav'nous.
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Then later in that stanza we hit a STRESSED snag with:
SEAR-ching IN the LOST and FOUNDS,
which I would propose changing to something like:
still SEAR-ching IN the LOST and FOUNDS
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Other than that it's a rather compelling poem that strikes this reader as fine writing. (Utilizing my cheats won't buy you "points" for the contest, but they're there for your own edification if you find them worthy.)
Best wishes
BTW, "Am that I AM" probably ought to be thrown in quotes. -
Your rhyme is to be commended, but I think that your turn of phrase is quite catching as well. You have a very natural tone and rhythm. I can see that this is not yet complete, but you're off to a good start. The contrast of abounding sins and the sea-bourne shell is perplexing in a good way, as is the appearance of secondsight.
I haven't quite been able to wrap my mind around the entire meaning of this yet, but it is worth coming back to in order to figure it out.
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This was an amazing poem. Your rhyme scheme was good and this was simply an overall well written piece.
Excellent
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Very nice rhyming here, I don't do it but can appreciate the effort it takes to produce this. Good luck.
MM
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