Thank you for suggestions on what it is I am
They neither add nor detract from my being
There is nothing to take that I want to keep
This twisted aesthetic is horrible.
I am not the image of intellect,
My brain has too much casing
So many surpluses to divert its attention to,
All essential no doubt.
Whilst there is an urge to seek a zero and kick-start
A return to nothingness and non-being,
It is not one I indulge or dwell on,
I control the beast.
I am not a picture of beauty, not idyllic
But nor do I want to be, not again
It is ill defined and dangerous…I opt out
Before statistics are all that remains.
Digits and endless counting gives me headaches
And an urge to escape and snuggle with words
That when you have me I can’t concentrate on
Long enough to comprehend.
The casing is flesh, an image of greed perhaps
Perhaps not, perhaps normality is overrated,
But I doubt it
Popularity is not always indicative of banality
Being able to read, to understand and discern
Is reason enough to never go down again.
It is my body’s inbuilt defence against self-destruction
An escape route leading up
Because deep down I know I can’t survive, not
Without words and meaning and journeys into worlds
And stories that aren’t my own,
Receding numbers are not saintly.
So I’ll see you on the safe side of twenty
With more of us to spare
And an absence of mood-swings and
Hopefully some safety in life.
Author notes
This is not nearly as good as I'd hoped and I'd really welcome some critical feedback. I have been recovered for over a year now after spending six months in hospital with anorexia, I have never written about it, I think my being uncomfortable came across here. Of all the things that could have made me want to get better the only thing I was concerned about was the fact that I couldn't read anymore, my concentration was shot to pieces, seems like a selfish reason but it saved my life so I can't complain. Thanks for reading...
A contest entry
- ED v. Recovery by bigXfatXemo.
700 points, ended October 22, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I'm so glad you decidied to write about this because its just wow. I don't know quite what it is about this poem I love so much, th style and your way with words drew me in. You said it might seem uncomfortable, but I think it was really honest, which is rare with an illness of lies and mind warps. Thankyou for sharing, and I'm glad to hear of your recovery
Keep it up
xXx
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