closed eyes
towards light -
fall colors
Author notes
bg credit:
http://www.backgrounds.free-animations.co.uk/borders/bg_border_8.html
In a list
A contest entry
- Fall into Haiku by azure85.
600 points, ended October 29, 2008, 41 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i know haikus are better tighter, so if you've any ideas give 'em if i fell short...!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Beautifully expressed in brevity.
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closed eyes
towards light -
fall colors
This is very good, and it is written very tight. You do see those colors with your eyes closed, and this is a good haiku to think about, thank you so much!
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i'm usually embarassed to write haiku, because often my tries don't come out too well --
-- your comments often indicate that mine have been nice, but not "tight." Thank you for the bronze too, was excited to dig and find a virtual surprise in 42 entries! [it's hard work to treasure hunt lol]
The sentiment for my poem in your review was also focused on
Daisy
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The text is too big, it makes the haiku seem so... in your face type. I prefer those that are softer, maybe even italics, it helps make then gentle and fragile, like glass.
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oooo, ok, i was going too wild [i used the largest font possible because it was so short.] i guess that didn't work here, so i saved size 7 for later. come back and see if this tones it to the pondering enlargement haiku should have? -Daisy
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Good Haiku!
I can see it. I can picture closing my eyes to the sunshine and seeing the brilliant yellows and oranges. Very clever - sometimes grown-ups forget to notice and enjoy things as simple as the color behind our own eyelids.
As far as ideas: The word "producing" tells rather than shows. You could consider dropping it. You might worry that some readers may not get the picture - one hard thing I had to learn about haiku- you can't control how other people interpret it- you have to send it off into the world and let people see what they see.
Good luck in this contest
:-) qt
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I've missed such comments digging into the poem; I hardly ever get them
I don't even think 'nice' is really the right word for the approach you had upon my piece. You elaborated your perspective, which rubs with the way I wrote it.
Then, you encourage how things usually start with primary curiosity in childhood, and then may grow too complex in captivating poetry in adulthood for most, which is sad -- thank you.
Also never thought about how that word in the last verse drags the aha, without the punch line it needs, though I felt it after reading it to myself again. I omitted it, and sense it being more poetic and resonating now, your advise was direct and necessary.
Sorry I'm coming back this late, I just now saw your kind critique???!!!
But, I want to express what a pleasure it was
Daisy
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Well I think that this is very nice Haiku you have such a skill for one as young as you are thanks for sharing good luck in the contest be well
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