The weight peels off me
Like the skin off an orange
You say you're worried
But you never cared before
So now I'm slowly fading away
Right in front of your smug face
Twenty pounds ago you said
That you never wanted to see me again
Twenty pounds ago you lied
And said that I just wasn't the right type
Twenty pounds ago I stopped eating
Meat, then starch, then cheese, then eggs
Ten pounds ago I stopped eating completely
Ten pounds ago you called me pretty
You said you took back what you said
About me being too fat and plain of a girl
For you to be seen with, for you to date
Ten pounds ago I thought that you
Were a two faced jerk who only cared
About weight and the way I looked
But some part of me took you back
And somehow I'm in your arms again
But I'm slowly shrinking out
Of your suffocating grasp
Five pounds ago you called me skinny
Said that I needed to start eating
That's when I knew you really were
A complete and total hypocrite
Five pounds ago I started to hide
My weight loss behind clothes and lies
And today you can't find
Who I used to be because
I'm lighter than air
I'm purer than water
And I'm so thin I disappear
whenever I turn sideways
I'm slowly dying from a
Self-imposed starvation
You'll never find me now
You'll never see me now
Author notes
I chose the option of writing about how friends contribute to my eating disorder
A contest entry
- Options Contestooo =] by innocence jaded.xx.
750 points, ended October 27, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Depths of Despair by Tristania.
625 points, ended April 23, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Eating Disorders - wherever you stand. by April Somerston.
575 points, ended May 4, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Good start...I have some suggestions to tighten it up. First, some clerical things:
-"Ten pounds ago i stopped" - Capitalize "I"
-"Were a two faced jerk" - "Two-faced" should be hyphenated
-"Suffocatingly tight" - This phrase is redundant. It should be either "tight" or "suffocating" because the words mean the same thing. Or just pick a different adverb.
-"A complete and total hypocrite" - Again, "complete and total" is redundant; those words mean the same thing. Pick one or the other.
-"lighter then air" and "purer then water" - Should be "than," not "then." "Than" is used for comparisons, while "then" is used for time.
-"Self imposed starvation" - "Self-imposed" needs a hyphen
I also think that the person (or people) to whom this poem is addressed should be clearer to the reader. Can you give specific examples of what this person did and said? How it made you feel? What behaviors it encouraged and why?
Work on it a little and let me know when you've revised it. ;-) -
i am in love with this poem! great job! it's very good!!!
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