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by the collar

there I said it,
and I had said it
loud and clear
so you could hear
indefinitely.

the key slams
on the table
and I’m able
to see through
your bullshit.

you get this
way a lot.

“let's not make
this hard-”

err is human.
and I’ve written
this down many
times. listed
the crimes on a
cross for you
to hang on.

“hang on!” and
“please think
for christ sakes”
and this makes
no difference in
the  long run.

here comes the
time when we
pretend everything
is fine between
us;
just like this.

but I'm a
pretty horr
ible liar, baby.

maybe we should
stop adding
more skin to
the bones we
won't use. the
loose fat just
gets in the
way. and hey don’t cry.

I’m fine and
I won’t leave you.
I’ll be here when
it’s over
and you’re a sober
suit and tie.

the fan keeps
creeping slowly
moaning lowly
“-elp me, help m-”

and Satan
gives a thumbs up,
mouths
'fuck you'
.














Author notes

wow....it's been so long! And this is shitty. I promise I'll try to write some more- good- poetry

option one. great poem

A contest entry

Any advice is welcome

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • notorious
    October 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is the opposite of shitty; it's fragrant of good poetry. !

    And hell yes, option one was definitely a great poem.

    god, I love your first stanza infinitely, especially your use of 'indefinitely'.

    BTW, I think every instance of punctuation was pretty kick-ass...I rarely use punctuation myself, but when it's used well, it makes me want to screw punctuation from the ass backwards...

    "you’re bullshit."==>your bullshit
    Shouldn't have an apostrophe there.

    “lets not make
    this hard-”==>let's, with an apostrophe

    "the long run."
    I'm not sure if it was intentional for you to have 2 spaces in between 'the' and 'long', but it distracted me...LoL.

    "just like this."
    Poignancy in 3 words.

    "maybe we should
    stop adding
    more skin to
    the bones we
    won't use. the
    loose fat just
    gets in the
    way. and hey don’t cry."
    That kind of feels to me like you're addressing both yourself and the other person...
    Best use of anatomy in a metaphor, ever. I've kind of gotten sick of those kind of metaphors, but that was good.

    "and you’re a sober
    suit and tie."
    Incredibly clever.

    The ditty with the fan...♥ed it.

    I adore .

    Tell me if you make edits.

    Jessica


    • zillion
      October 20, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      ugh, those grammar mistakes are embarassing. But they're gone. Thanks for the advice/comment. I appreciate it.


  • righteousme
    October 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    no this is not shit. its actually quite good . great even . thanks for sharing it with my eyes ... good luck in the contest!


  • autarky
    October 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    damn, i missed your stuff so much. :]

1 - 5 of 5