The sky that first night
was a flawless reflection
of my emotions...
clouded, unsure.
Dark.
In fact, when you took my hand
for the very first time,
I was startled,
because I actually felt it.
You see, I hadn't felt anything
for a [very] long time.
You may not have noticed,
but I trembled
as I asked permission to kiss
your [irresistable] night-shadowed lips.
The gentle heat from your body
drew mine like a magnet,
but it was nothing
compared to the blaze
that was kindled in my chest.
Tell me, did you know
you were touching
more than just my skin?
Now common sense demands
that I give in to reality
and let you go,
but my heart has given me
a scathing ultimatum.
It swears it will never forgive me if I do.
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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tender and bold it was to write this so etchingly
textured and sweetly vulnerable.
way to write!
I wouldn't change a word!
way to write!
ears/Seattle
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Speachless
Perfectly chosen words and a romatic flow
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just fantastic
I love the way you ended that
was just perfect
Thanks for Sharing this great write
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Flawless!!!!
I'm just amazed and EXTREMELY gratefull to have crossed poetic paths with you and your work,,,, thanks,,,, I can't wait to have more time to read/enjoy your talent,,,,,thanks MICHAEL -
very good.
"Tell me ,did you know you were touching more than just my skin?" That line says immeasurably more than just the words it contains would sugest.
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Once again, you have not failed to impress me! Your words here are amazing! I love the last two lines, I have felt this way a few times, but I am glad I gave this last time a chance (that was 6 years ago by the way) Been married for 5 years now, and couldnt be happier! Sometimes it pays to jump off into the unknown! Beautiful work!
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I'm very happy you took the time to comment on my poem as you are amazingly talented: this is another great poem
"Now, common sense demands
that I surrender to reality
and let you go;
but my heart has given me
a scathing ultimatum."
That stanza is brilliant the words are so poignant, I loved reading this
The end of this poem also was very powerful, leaves you thanking yourself for reading the poem after you have finished
Keep writing these amazing poems
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Gorgeous personification at the end. Like a well painted picture, the elements are all great here - there is atmosphere, sentiment and self -realisation. Wow - you are some writer!
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Very nice narrative poetry. "Tell me, did you know you were touching more than just my skin" I really like the introspective and personal disclosure this reveals. And you last line, excellant, recognizing the external nature of those "heart" thoughts, quite beyond our ability to be cerebral about it! Very nice write. Geo
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Now, common sense demands
that I surrender to reality
and let you go;
but my heart has given me
a scathing ultimatum. << i love these lines they are so true and it is such a reality that people do have this battle in their heads
great poem
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'It swears it will never forgive me if I do."
Wow. Strong. Intense. Pierced right through.
I enjoy writes with emotions - if you cannot grab my emotions, and intensify them...I will not connect with piece, and though I may not dislike it, I am just sort...indifferent to it.
Your piece, this piece, snapped into place with me...incredible.
Smile♫
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This is an endearing piece of true love captured in black and white words. The innocence and emotion is palatable and the ending leaves me speechless.
Best of luck in the contest! -
Needs some polishing.
I feel as though in the first stanza, instead of stating what the emotions were, you could instead describe the night. Okay, fine, you could be describing the night as it is, but it sounds too much like telling and not enough showing.
And "The gentle heat from your body /drew mine like a magnet" sounds like his body heat is drawing out your body heat, and then the heat of your body is nothing compared to the one in your heart.
I like the following stanza.
The word "scathing" seems too vicious and brutal to fit in. I like the last stanza a lot. -
Thank You for Entering
Oh what a very beautifully penned poem this was. I love how your sweetly penned serenade style went through out this piece. I am still amazed each and every day how love has affected us all in different ways and has strange ways of making us write such beautiful poetry. any ways a mighty beautiful poem good work and good luck
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very awesome and really i love how you used all those describing words
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I thought true romantic poetry was void to this site.
The reader was able to feel the awakening..
the great reluctance of letting it go.....watching it fade..
The beginning sets the stage for all the insecurities we all have.
The fifth stanza was profound.
The end stanza and last line...
..It swears it will never forgive me if I do..
This is so romantic....so much emotion...you write like an Irish gypsy child...
Refusal,
and then,
surrender.
Let your heart do your thinking.
Most Beautiful Lass,
LIAM
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Excellent imagery within this well written piece and good meter and flow!
Well Done!
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this is beautiful. the faltering hesitancy of your speaker is so lifelike, so similar to a feeling i've felt before. your words flow easily and your descriptions are clear and sweet and ring with truth. there's passion in your writing and i love the concept of love as a life saver, the metaphor hinted at in your title. a job well done, poet.
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