Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Tranquility

 

 

 

sigh

 

spirit 

 

soaring high

 

angelic wings

 

peace

















 

Author notes

Lanturne

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • KayJay
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm no expert... but the form seems right on. My impression is that this form is very Haiku like... so the last line(s) are the "aha" moment... I think you should narrow your focus a bit. Well done and best of luck...
    Ken


  • Arkbear gold member
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hello Big Guy ~

     

    Ok....the thing I see with your lanturne, is the Flow is very choppy.......because when you have so many subjects going on in such a short strict syll count, you have to start....stop....start....stop ~

     

    One short breath, and that's all you should need ~

     

    Take a shallow breath and read my example again ~

     

    Do you run out of breath?

     

    Now..take a shallow breath and read yours...........what do you see happening?

     

    Do you have to force the word, ?

    If allowed, ( 1 ) comma is ALL a Poet should need in a Lanturne....in yours, I would need ( 4 ) -

     

    I so appreciate your efforts......you still need to work on that Flow....however, the message is beautiful.....thank you for entering,

     

    God bless you,

     

    Bear ~


  • Erica Carnea
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    good write
    its amazing how you pack in so much meaning in the little words you use
    love always
    erica carnea


  • ishelicious
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    damn that pain,,,wish i never felt it... nice write!!! keep up the good work, dad..