Prancing around the dance floor,
dancing with two left feet.
Cha-cha step, during the swing.
Not the best, but she won’t be ignored.
Hips swaying in motion to a slow song,
graced arms draping over a shoulder
A smile stuck to her laughing face.
Gone wild, she will dance to the break of dawn.
Contorting in a twist, tendrils of hair flying around her head.
During the slide missed an intricate part, foot right as everyone else goes left.
Feet sounding as they jump, but they come
straight down, offbeat cracking a grin, a dance to wake the dead.
Raising her delicately painted hands to raise the roof,
tens of fingers waving join her, following her into a
improvised beat, she twirls on her toes in a balanced pirouette.
Taking her lead, a mass of dancers tries to join her, only looking like fools.
Pointed toes spread apart lined with her shoulders, fingertips brushing the marble stone.
Dropping low, her foot slides in between her other hand and foot, break dancing steps.
Bringing up the pace, speeding through the movements, following her own beat
Happy shine glowing on her face, moving to the music, unique and dancing alone.
Stepping to the beat, watching a dance move, trying to follow.
Adding her own sheen, mixing something new.
Merging a slide step to the swivel, two left feet.
She is a sight, red cheeks from laughing. The girl who really Can’t.
Dance.
Author notes
option 3- dance
A contest entry
- Take My Breath Away(Anything you Want) by fairytalelovestory.
675 points, ended October 19, 2008, 106 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me smile by XxForeverFaithfulxX.
1150 points, ended November 1, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options!!!! Anything goes. by Jaffa-.
550 points, ended December 10, 2008, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Anything (PW Allowed) by swimmeroks.
900 points, ended January 6, 108 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Monday Morning by new born.
700 points, ended February 26, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This is just as good as the other one you entered, but I can find some mistakes in this one too. Some parts of it were laden with imagery and wordplay, and other parts were...awkward.
'Feet sounding as they jump, but her feet come'
I think you could replace 'her feet' in this line with 'they' or 'toes.' something to get rid of the repitition. I also think you should change 'now doing her own thing.' to something more interesting, maybe 'now a newborn trailblazer' or 'a newly made catalyst for change.' Something like that.
Other than that, great job with the poem and good luck in the contest. -
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I made edits! Thanks for the crittique!
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Sorry I forgot to take feet out! My bad
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The latter tweak I mentioned is a LOT better, but the first one is still a little confusing. I meant replacing the phrase 'her feet' with something to negate the repitition, such as 'they' or 'her toes.' Thank you for working on it. :]
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This was really great. I really liked it. Impressive and creative!
She's not the only one who can't dance
I really liked the flow of the whole poem though, you could almost feel your hips starting to sway. Great write and good luck in the contest. -
Wow, the way you describe this you begin to think that she really can dance until of course you read the last line when everything comes to light once more!!
Loved it keep it up!
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A very thoughtful and in depth piece to go along with the prompt itself. This stands alone even as a metaphor for life. Nice detail and expression coursing throughout!
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