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Chauffeur

there were others
waiting at the busstation
but he transported, as it turned out,
only me
to where I longed to go -

an open door
I realized, smiling 
in his blue eyes
open wide

I fell for his long white beard
onto the knees
tripping and staggering
over the wink in his look

he warms
and steers his heavy vehicle
as we take off

an old rig
one could wait for it
defective
however hooting soundly
all disbelief to heaven



What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Thoughts-of-Soloman
    October 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    'there were others
    waiting at the busstation
    but he transported, as it turned out,
    only me
    to where I longed to go -'

    Great first stanza, catches the attention with intrigue and is very clear.

    'an open door
    I realized, smiling
    in his blue eyes
    open wide'

    'an open door', a point of departure or invitation to a happy newness.

    'I fell for his long white beard
    onto the knees
    stripping and staggering
    over the wink in his look'

    I'm not so sure about the 'stripping', it doesn't seem to sit right with staggering. Are you sure you didn't mean 'tripping'?

    hij warms - 'hij' is this a typo- should be 'he'?
    and steers his heavy vehicle
    as we take off

    an old rig
    one could wait for it
    defective
    however hooting soundly
    all disbelief to heaven

    This is the crucial one here and I believe it could be improved. It doesn't read easily or clearly to me, although I do like the words you've used, like 'defective' and 'hooting'.
    I want it to say and mean: One could wait forever for this, however it's here now, shattering disbelief and transporting all to heaven.

    I can't be sure that this is what you intend in meaning though?
    I like where I think it's going but think it's still too unclear for me and needs this little more work at the end.

    Take or leave

    Sol


    • nelleke
      October 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Soloman

      thank you so much for your thorough commenting - much appreciated! I changed a bit, as you can see, removed my typing errors :-)
      As for the last stanza, the tricky line is:

      'one could wait for it'

      Of course this was meant to apply to the bus - public transport - as well as to the rather commonplace event of a busdriver winking at me -while at the same time trying to suggest that this was something really special, definitely worth waiting for :-)
      I think this one needs revision as you rightly suggest. I'll give it some more thought, thanks again,
      greets,

      nelleke