Slender she moves wisp barely seen,
floating soft in meadows.
Ghostly lilac gossamered queen
from out of the shadows,
faded from minds ever erased,
One dear heart always emblazed
Faded from minds,
Faded from minds,
Steadfast so true others amazed.
Slender she moves wisp barely seen,
apparitions to taunt,
How can a life be lived serene,
Ever no more to haunt,
Banished was she and locked away,
Him exiled a year and a day,
Banished was she,
Banished was she,
Hope to unite they both did pray.
Slender she moves wisp barely seen
the lovers paths do cross.
Centuries pass before the scene
although their lives were lost.
One night a year that they could meet,
All Hallows Eve did their hearts beat.
One night a year,
One night a year,
to turn to dust when sunrise greet.
Author notes
Dear Pamela and Blue, adapting this form was so interesting and challenging thankyou for the invitation, Oh, I chose not to repeat the first line as occurs in the true Form but I know this was not a must (or I hope it wasn't lol)
Form : Trijan Refrain.. 27 lines, 3 verses of nine lines.
Stanzas : a/b/a/b/c/c/d/d/c
Meter : 8/6/8/6/8/8/4/4/8
Prompt : Image by Kristaline 'Last night I had a dream'
Verse from Tennyson
Themes of Love, dark and sad
A contest entry
- For A Breeze of Morning Moves in Raw Refrain by Blue Rew.
1457 points, ended October 19, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Halloween word prompt with a twist~ by Frozentearz.
700 points, ended November 1, 2008, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Your poem is the first I have seen in this interesting form. Although it is in response to a contest for such, thank you for this compelling introduction!
This recalls the Lerner and Loewe musical "Brigadoon" and the 1985 Richard Donner directed film of writer Edward Khmara's "Ladyhawke". The poem seems a part of a longer tale and follows the old advice to leave the audience wanting more. Who is the object of the Lilac Queen's longing, and what is their story that their annual reunion should be so ephemeral?
I enjoyed the fantasy of your content, and I found the format intriguing, rife with possibility for a variety of styles and themes. As another reviewer has commented, in some lines the meter seems a little forced with insertions of "do" or "did" to achieve the desired syllable count. You reveal a certain dexterity with language in this work. I believe you are talented and skilled enough to make your poem even stronger than it is already by reworking those few lines.
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Thankyou so very much for your wonderful comment, yes, it is indeed part of a longer tale of which I've writtten, I am so glad you caught this, with your wonderful perceptiveness. The Lilac Queen's is one of forbidden love, with a tale. Yes, I remember the film 'Ladyhawke' I really enjoyed it, a spell binding story.. and one I could watch again and again, I have gratefully noted your notes on the meter, it was indeed an interesting but challenging form to do .. thankyou my friend and fellow poet
s Lib x x x
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Well first of all I can see that you worked really hard on this
Blue and Pamela are exceptional writers with that in mind I am giving you some clappy guys that I seldom do in a contest.
Now as for my contest
I loved where this poem went with the story it told and the way you played it out.
Thanks for joining in Happy Hauntings
Frozentearz
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Thank you for such a soft entry to our contest. You have pulled the dark beauty of eternal love into the your Trijan Refrain nicely. Ah, the perils of forbidden love - a tale told endlessly through the ages. A haunting and chilling tale of meeting only on All Hollow’s Eve, only to fade again in the morning light.
Meter is fairly well executed in this piece but I did find some of the lines a bit forced such as:
Hope to unite they both did pray.
apparitions to taunt,
the lovers paths do cross,
All Hallows Eve did their hearts beat
This can sometimes be difficult to avoid when trying to remain true to meter and repetition in a complicated form such as Trijan Refrain.
Though you did not adhere to the traditional formatting of this verse with the use of the same first line, you did use the same rhyme scheme which is noticeably commendable for its complexity. Thank you. I appreciate the difficulty in that very much.
I did find this line awkward: "E'en never more to haunt,"
There are many ways to smooth the story which will make reading this piece even more enchanting. Working the second stanza something like this might be an idea.
With graceful moves, wisp barely seen
an apparition taunts
a life that never lived serene;
her slender figure haunts.
Banished was she for loving him
and he for her; the outlook grim.
Banished was she,
banished was she,
with hope to reunite cast slim.
These are just thoughts.
I do hope you will tweak and work the meter and phrasing some in this piece until the contest closes. Ensuring the use of twenty first century language will keep the tale fresh so as not to border on cliché. This is a genuine and loving work that is too good not to edit some before the contest closes. We will be reading all entries again before the contest is judged. Thank you for a lovely entry. ~Pamela
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Dear Pamela, although now too late I did alter the third stanze with the first line to repeat as in the first two stanzas, as in the original format of the form. I also altered the word 'e'en' used to convey the sense of time and the passage between the years.
I did find this a very interesting and challenging form and and was very pleased that you enjoyed my little tale of chilling romances Lib x
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You did a great job too. Everyone's entries were just wonderful. It is never too late to edit and tweak a poem. They are always worth so much more than trophies. I do hope you will write another. Good challenges always. Thank you for such a wonderful entry. It was a pleasure to read and enjoy.
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Bravo to you for challenging yourself with repetition
within each stanza of the first line! This is chilling, but also romantic in a dark and powerful
way. Perfect fit to the season too. I found the
suggestions given by Pam very strong ones.
Smoothing this piece would not be very difficult at
all as long as you are enjoying the challenge.
E'en is the one word that should be replaced if you
were to make only one more edit. It just does not
flow in the read. I am very happy to have your talents and interest in this form. Blue
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Dear Blue, although now too late I have made the alteration in the word 'e'en' but I have also swapped the first line of the third stanza to read as the same first line as the previous two
stanzas as suggested by Pamela but I understand that this was not absolutely necessary but to be true to the original form. Once again I did find this very interesting and thankyou for enjoying this little tale of chilling romances Lib x
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