A loneliness dropped, down on his mind,
As the pilot pressed down firm on the brake.
In foreign land now, to his convoy assigned.
He couldn't help but wonder; was it a mistake.
One by one they offloaded, each slow and sure,
To wait for the captain's orders outside,
No foolery now; each child stood mature,
For their training rules, they must now abide.
Then his eyes caught the words printed on the wall,
"Welcome To Korea," lettered in gold.
At once he felt his pride forcing him to stand tall,
This was the life for which he'd enrolled.
Now he was a soldier, a man not a boy,
Trained to go to war, with comrades and guns,
To Korea was he sent, with his first deploy,
One of the thousands of daughters and sons.
Then, the girl with the camera, her beauty he caught,
As they walked one by one, in single file.
Then he smiled at the girl taking her shot.
This was his chance; best to make it worthwhile.
Author notes
Tried to capture the blond guy's thoughts as he landed in Korea and saw the sign. And yet, I imagine, even though life may be tense, and stressful, there is still room for base attraction 
In a list
A contest entry
- What Do You See? (Military version) by Shadowsong.
1700 points, ended October 28, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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The rhythmic quatrains and returning end rhymes have a disciplined structure maybe not unlike the young man's entrance into lhe life of a soldier.
The twist of the young soldier "catching" the beauty of the girl with the camera is nice.
The photo seems essential and immediate once the poem is centred around it.
It has provided a move away from self-introspection.
I was in the Foreigner District of Seoul 3 years ago and saw American soldiers there off duty from their nearby base.
(I sent you a reply on your comment to my poem. It registered as another comment to me. Let me know if you got it, if you like.) -
You captured very well the surrealism, insecurity, sense of purpose and the "base attraction" which whirl through a young, bright, healthy person's mind at such a time. I felt as much reporting to my first ship as a young sailor. I am sure it is similar for most young men and women, even those for whom the first day on the college campus is the first day when "home" will be somewhere other than with their families.
I enjoyed the rhyme and flow of the poetry which was fluid and natural.
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I like this poem a lot. Thought the picture captured a snapshot pf what military life is like, and I think your poem did a great job depicting his thoughts (though I doubt he was thinking it quite so eloquently.) Like the rhythm and rhyming, and as you mention in the Author Notes, mixed in with the fear and tension there's often those few seconds where one is distracted by the sites (in whatever form they come.) Best of luck in the contest.
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Wow again. You are a great writer and from what I've seen you have an excellent take on whatever prompt you set your mind to. Great work again!
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Very good write here
You have penned this very well with vision and the way a soldier must feel at that moment .Good luck in the contest
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I really enjoyed your take on this prompt! I especially liked the turn in the last stanza!
If you really do want criticism (I think your poem is fine as it is), I think you need a question mark after mistake. Also, your lines all scan wonderfully, except the last line of the first stanza (For their...abide), which seems a little awkward. But I'm not sure how to rewrite that to improve it at all. Nicely done!
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thank you so much for your comment, and yes, i always appreciate constructive criticism will most certainly take a look at what you've mentioned, although my current focus is on that darned last stanza, not sure about that at all
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I like this a lot. It echoes some of my own thoughts when we first landed. And your last stanza is fun and surprising.
There's always some room for that, no matter where you are, hehe.
Thanks for your entry! -
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You're most welcome, it was a great photo prompt for me! I live in London, am from Ireland, so am as far removed from the war as possible, therefore I can only try to capture their thoughts, what they might be feeling.
The last stanza is a little out of the blue, I am still not 100% sure about it ; will need some editing ont hat, but that you for the inspiration
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