One day someday soon I will remember you,
and frost will have had nothing to do with it.
Your cold hands always hidden
in mittens, that muted clapping frequently angered me.
I would suck my teeth to bones
to hear your high-tops grind snow again
squeaking up the cobblestone path to thwack a snowball
on my front door
the one we painted red, together.
That gray cable-knit sweater, frayed at the sleeves
that you gave me after graduation
won’t keep me safe this winter
Not after cracking ice turned a romance sour,
and all I could give you was a single paper daisy
that would soon, too, be frozen.
Author notes
http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f304/luvlessromance/jghgd.jpg
(Option One), jocelynjoy
A contest entry
- B&W Photo Prompt Contest by Girl With Guitar.
700 points, ended October 30, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options. Points will be added later. by Nicotine Eyes.
300 points, ended November 4, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Feedback?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I love it when a contest captures my attention. It brings me a desire to check out the poet who is holding it. Sometimes, I am not so struck by the poet, but this time is different. I love simple, beautiful poetry. This is it.
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I enjoyed reading this piece. The rich specific images paint vivid pictures. The only suggestion I have would be to drop the first two words, they seem unnecessary to the poem. To me "someday soon" is the same as "one day".
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oops forgot the 3 yays
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I thought it was an exceptional spur of the moment write. bravo
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Not entirely clear on how this relates to that image, but it's written well and I like the connections of frost throughout. Whether or not it's a true story that did happen through winter, the symbol of it is strong and works well. One thing is that it nearly roles over into too much.
Good work and thank you for the entry.
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In the interest of helping me to improve this piece can you explain what you mean by "too much" when you say "One thing is that it nearly roles over into too much"? This comment is both vague and subjective. Thanks.
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9 lines of 15 have some reference to "cold" or "winter" and sometimes it can create a heavy effect to your poetry, like making your point over-the-top present, exagerating it almost. You're write nearly does this, as I said in my initial comment so I don't believe you should edit the piece, I was just giving my thoughts as I'm sure you understand.
I'm still not sure how you've related the piece to the image you chose.
My comment is more so for future reference, that it's important to use techniques like you have, in setting tones and emotions through words like winter, cold, frozen, etc however you need to know where the line is at the same time, to make it subtle yet noticed. This is probably a technique that comes with experience, that I'm not sure.
Thank you for the query.
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