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she called attention to your blue eyes

they were;

a frosted evening
with the shades drawn up
      and i couldnt stop staring

breathing heavily on my iris,
with his finger,
he wrote his name in a heart.



I was never a fan of leaving smudged
messages that "meant something"
but it was all too obvious,
my name reflected back in his...



he had limbs for fingers,
and spears for eyes.
all I wanted was to feel the pain
he could possibly forget to give me.


he closed the curtain
and I was left longing
for that heat stroke,

the frostbite of his gaze.



he leaned too close
and breathed so heavily
that
I matched our heartbeats

inside me I knew
                    felt
                      tasted
that he would blind me to colors,
he would ruin me,



just take me!


"I guess"...



I still love him
because
I long to see
those pretty blue eyes
print my name



just one more time....

Author notes

prompt:#5 write about the day you met the person who changed it all?


This poem has a story that i could write a book about, he broke me, or as i like to look at it, fixed me. and i all i want is to show him what he did. to show him that he has made me this person that i am today,[[he couldnt love this.]]


thanks for a nice prompt
hope you like

-written-in-ink

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Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • najji
    November 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    derf3edfgvgtrrf.

    'I long to see
    those pretty blue eyes
    print my name'

    blue eyes will be the death of me,
    i'm sure.

    this is like one of the poems that i've written, all folded up into a pretty little envelope. you know, sprayed with perfume? i was going to put it in his locker.

    [: this makes me smile because you made me think about them.

    your choice of words is outstanding.
    [:

  • She Stole My Voice
    November 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "he had limbs for fingers,
    and spears for eyes.
    all I wanted was to feel the pain
    he could possibly forget to give me.


    he closed the curtain
    and I was left longing
    for that heat stroke,

    the frostbite of his gaze."


    Holy cow.
    You are amazing.
    ♥


    -Mary


  • brandy.
    November 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow. I love this.

    great poem
    great poet


  • Hell In Harmony
    November 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I was never a fan of leaving smudged
    messages that "meant something"
    but it was all too obvious,
    my name reflected back in his...


    lovely.

    he had limbs for fingers,
    &&
    the frostbite of his gaze.

    =]good with words

    he would ruin me,

    inevitable.


  • just weak hands
    October 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    omfg this is absolutely amazing !!!

    i adore it to a point where it'd be considered obsessed ! <3 i envy your incredible talent so much :] everything is just... too perfect for words. the imagery is breathtaking. i just love every word of it.


    excellent doesn't cut it here. idk a word to describe this masterpiece :]


  • stylization
    October 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is stunning. Fantastic imagery.
    I absolutly love the lines 'he had limbs for fingers / and spears for eyes."
    There isn't much that I could critique here; it's exceptionally well-written. But maybe you could write "he leaned in too close / and breathed too heavy / and I matched our heartbeats?"
    You deserve to win the contest.


  • Jasmine Rayne
    October 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Absolutely beautiful, but so very sad :[

    "they were;

    a frosted evening
    with the shades drawn up
    [[ I couldn't stop staring ]]

    breathing heavily on my iris
    [[with his finger]]
    he wrote his name in a heart"

    These were the best stanzas of the poem, I think. :] How brief you were. You gave the reader room to imagine the scene. I love the metaphors you used here. I could see everything. So pretty...

    "he closed the curtain
    and I was left longing
    for that heat stroke

    the frostbite of his gaze

    he leaned in close
    and breathed too heavy
    I matched our heartbeats

    inside me I knew
    felt
    tasted
    that he would blind me to colors
    he would ruin me
    I asked him to be mine


    he said I guess..."

    Right here. I think this part is the climax of the poem because it shows the change in your subject. It's really good, but I think it could be better if you used a little more metaphor instead of explaining. For example:

    "I asked him to be mine


    he said I guess..."

    Could be:

    "Begging for our hearts to synchronize,
    his pity forging the rhythm I crave..."

    Something like that to make the reader go, wow! And think on it for a bit, you know? :] If you went through and re-read the poem and picked out places you could be less explanatory, you could have a really wonderful piece here. It's really great now, and I know it could be that much better with a little time and effort :] Great job so far! Hope I helped

    Peace







    -Lily♥

  • She Stole My Voice
    October 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    It's still fucking amazing
    and there's nothing I would change,
    except for a little, shiny, gold trophy right by it :]
    <333



    -Mary


  • luna-midnight gold member
    October 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ooohhh, this is amazing, i dont think you could do any better, its just perfect


  • Venugopal gold member
    October 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    It is not there!

1 - 22 of 22