My soul was in agony,
crying out in pain
louder louder
letting in the rain.
Looking in places
I dare not believe
oh this life
of my pain relieve.
a life confused
no where to run
leading and leaving
a life undone.
You'd been there forever
this hole, this void
how did I miss
this love deployed.
much more to say
this last thing left
I utter a thank-you
underneath my breath.
Author notes
Written for the new comers competition. I chose option #1 to write on. (A letter of thanks)
A contest entry
- October New Member's Contest by AP Greeters.
600 points, ended November 6, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you thought please, all feedback welcome!
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Hi,
I would just like to wish you the best of luck
in the contest
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Hi,
I would just like to wish you the best of luck
in the contest
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Welcome to AllPoetry
I also thought military when I heard the word deployed. I can see how pain come bring rain of the person that is gone. I thought it had many metaphorical meanings.
Lady Altheia
site greeter -
Welcome to AllPoetry!
OK. Let me see if I got this. Because you say “deployed”, I think ‘military”.
So it looks as if your character is feeling the pain,
agony and confusion
of one who has had love 
but who is alone now waiting for the return of the loved one. 
It sounds as if the character is saying “thank you” for the time spent together and the time of returning.
How far off am I
Welcome aboard. Good luck with the contest.
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hey hey!
That was a great write, it was short but really deep. Each line had a lot of meaning behind. Theres clear thought behind this and i can spend time unpacking it, which i love doing! thanks for a fantastic read!
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Welcome to Allpoetry
This is a sweet note of appreciation, and I love the ending, muttering under your breath. Sometimes it is still hard to truly express how we feel. Great write, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Welcome To Allpoetry
Hi Carris
I enjoyed reading this very much, the rhyming was great and also the fact that it's a dark thank you not makes this even better for me to read, loved it. Good luck in the contest and keep writing
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Welcome to Allpoetry
I like your take on this prompt, as it is different from most of the others I've read so far. I've always been a fan of darker poems, though this one also contains an element of empowerment that most 'dark' or 'emo' poems lack nowadays.
My only suggestion to you: watch your grammar/spelling. Punctuation is essential to good poetry, for it allows readers to breathe; to digest the meaning hidden beneath your words. I would be more than happy to help you proofread your work
Well done, and welcome aboard... Good luck in the contest!
Laura, aka Immortal
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welcome to allpoetry
I understand your words and places (thoughts) that can inspire writes like this. I like where you took this particular option. It is a different view, I can appreciate that... and I do. Maybe because I relate so well to what you have written. I think you expressed yourself quite well.
Thanks for entering the contest and good luck to you.
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Welcome to AllPoetry!
I get, by reading your comments, that this is supposed to be dark, but I am not sure it goes with the theme of the cotnest.
What you have written is well stated, though a little choppy in flow. Still, you did good with it.
Welcome to AP and good luck in the contest.
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Hmm, maybe but i didn't get any hint with the contest that the entries were meant to be happy. Just said write a letter of thanks so i did
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Welcome to All Poetry
Yes too dark a letter of thanks Wish it was more bright and greeter the season with joyful plain gratitude.. thank you for the entry..
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You might have done well to read my other comment on this poem. But i will say it again, this poem is meant to be dark, its not really a cheerful or joyful, its not a plain gratitude its a complicated one. So i guess that means its a good thing if you think its 'too dark' because it means i succeeded in doing what i set out to do.
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Welcome to All Poetry
A great twist on the prompt. I like how you have made this seem that this person in your life has changed things for you, and helped you along the way. One line that kinda stuck out for me was "of my pain relieve" perhaps the word relief or relieved would fit better? Sometimes with rhyming people tend to cut off letters to make it seem to flow better, but in some circumstances it throws the flow off more. This is only a suggestion. Thanks for sharing, and best of luck in the contest.
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Welcome to Allpoetry
Hello Carris,
The line "of my pain relieve" didn't really fit in for me.. was "relieve" supposed to be relive or relief?
I didn't get the sense that this "thank you" was sincere. The poem didnt speak to me with gratitude, it felt more like there was so much disappointment and sorrow... I didnt understand where the thank you came from.
I did like however the way the thank you was delivered.
Good luck in the contest,
Criss -
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Yeah i can see looking at that line how perhaps it might not fit. However i still like it because she is asking for the pain to be taken away. I get what your saying about the thank-you, it was kind of a bitter sweet thing, not exactly heart felt but knows its an obligation and knows she means it but perhaps she doesn't feel thank-ful at that point in time?
Thanx for the comment. It makes me think more about way i write.
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Welcome to Allpoetry!
I like the darker take on the first prompt here I think that this could benefit from a little more punctuation to guide the reader - but as it is I really liked the way this told a story from beginning to end - the end was my favorite part I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
Keep writing
Polly
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welcome to all poetry
Hi Carris
Excellent poem, i love the rhyming. You do it well thank you for entering and good luck in the contest
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Welcome to All Poetry
This is great! I love the bitter sweet feeling this gives the reader! I think you might want to make your "i's" capitol letters, I think that would help this one alot! You do need to add your option # in your author's notes, I would hate to see this DQ'd because of that.
Best of luck in this contest!
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Amazing
A bitter sweet thank you.
Stunning
really
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I agree with my esteemed compatriot, GREAT
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amazing poem...hits home just how true your words are :]
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