Swept away in the twilight hour
dusk filled with fog, like an omnipresent power
fear strikes through the somber sky
like the angels in heaven will soon begin to cry
left here in darkness, but light still bleeds through
will I drift into sleeplessness, for fear I might lose you?
or will I sleep to dream, and dream for you to stay
but then how can I ever wake, if all you'll do is go astray
must I leave this aching ardor, and find another way
leaving me to rest deep within, and wait for the light of day
love for you is what I must keep
because a hatred for you is a hatred I'll reap.
Author notes
This is just a fantasy poem I wrote.
A contest entry
- Prompt Contest (B-2) by OhNoChastity.
1900 points, ended January 14, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dreams with unhappy endings by Ignored.
400 points, ended November 29, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Picture Prompt. by Poetryintheblood.
575 points, ended November 30, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Fantasy Fun by Bella Cullen.
550 points, ended November 29, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - BEST PREWRITE QUICKIE by AbidoodleCullen.
460 points, ended January 26, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How does this poem make you feel? can you relate to it in some way?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I don't see the prompt you used in this, but this comment is delayed so I wouldn't blame you for deleting it from your notes. I'm terribly sorry for the delayed comment, I sort of fell off the map.
All right, now for an analysis. This poem, overall, is really good. I like the rhyme scheme. It doesn't take away from the poem, like it often can, and I have seen many times. Also, the topic is interesting. I take it to mean the narrator is in unrest with their love for someone. The emotions portrayed here are quite complex (and one I can relate too at the moment, so you may have lucked out).
As far as suggestions, I think this poem could use a bit of polishing. Not necessarily in the word use but more in the presentation. For example, some capitalisation and spacing on the page. It looks a bit sloppy.
The imagery is beautiful. I love the use of angels in the night. It's quite a juxtaposition and the setting you describe is wonderful. The rest of the poem fits in smoothly, and the use of dreams versus being awake is very interesting.
I love the last line, of course. I think that's something that a lot of lovers have to decide at one point. Do I hate you or do I love you? The final decision here is a conclusion I'm sure many people have come to (in fact, I did a couple of days ago) and you describe something that is overlooked so much in poetry. Over all, you did a wonderful job.
Please, keep writing.
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Thanks for entering and good luck!
<3 Abi -
Beautiful. and good luck in my contest
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Thank you for your deeply spoken entry, Josie
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Thanks for entering!
This is a great write and i really like it thanks for entering! Best of luck to you! -
Could you please write the whole prompt in the notes? Thanks.
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I totally loved it
leaving me to rest deep within, and wait for the light of day
love for you is what I must keep
because a hatred for you is a hatred I'll reap.
This wass my favorite part
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