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you should pay rent in my mind.

you should have given me
a security deposit
when i met you.  with
all the damage you've
caused, you wouldn't
be getting it back. i
should have kicked you out
before you were even able
to get your couch
through the door. i should
have made room for
a better tenant-
one who wouldn't
stain the carpet,
put holes in the walls,
break the windows,
abuse the plumbing.
you should pay rent in my mind.
you occupy too much of my time.
you can't be here anymore.
can i show you to the door?

Author notes

sort of a tribute to fugazi's "do you like me".

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments


  • JaycobKay
    October 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You hate everything you write, but I sure love it.


  • Snowing Kisses gold member
    October 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    AWESOME

    This kind of writing si something I would love to be able to do, it has a very earthy kind of feel to it like your looking the world straight in the eye and saying if you like it great if not so what, it tells a real lif sort of story with great imagry and a very nice sort of fast pace rhythm seriously good write littlefishone


  • The Rivaling Mimic
    October 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Little Work Needed

    I think the formatting could be better. It reads to choppy with the way you chose to present it.

    "you should have given me
    a security deposit
    when i met you."

    Those are very good lines but might I suggest you remove "when I met you". That'll greatly enhance the opening.

    "with
    all the damage you've
    caused, you wouldn't
    be getting it back."

    Considering you used a little bit punctuation why not remain consistent? The word "wouldn't" screws up the flow in these lines. How about "won't"?

    "i
    should have kicked you out
    before you were even able
    to get your couch
    through the door"

    This part is too long and doesn't really makes sense. How can you kick someone out when they haven't yet moved in? The word "before" indicates this person hadn't quite proceeded to make him/herself at home just then. If you intend on leaving it as it is than please remove the filler word "even" as it does nothing but distracts. Also, try changing "the couch through the door " to "the couch through that door" It'll work a little better.

    The last line didn't do this piece justice. Perhaps it should read: "Let me show you the door" for a better delivery.

    This speaks strongly about regret and I found it rather interesting to have read. Please, take care.