I deliver this cold dark stare
You see me but I'm not there
Throughout this upsetting scene
A clear mind is what I need
Your eyes come alive with a piercing light
As you begin to realize...
My heart has become a shell
And it can't restrain my truth of self
Miles away from where my body breathes
I wash my thoughts until they bleed
There's a train of dreams leaving town
And let's just say I won't be found
Your eyes follow me places I've never been
Your lips retrace words that I never meant
And you're left breaking with these promises
Now I'll tell you what I could have never said
I stick my fingers down my throat
To separate you from my soul
I'm choking on words I could never speak
The thought of you alone is gagging me...
I can't remove your taste from my mouth
I do all I can to wash you out
I can't think and I can't breathe
This nausea overtaking me
Author notes
Unfinished
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
Awesome
You are such an amazing writer and I know you really don't need my advice but I was thinking you could combine the last two stanzas and call it done.
I can't think and I can't breathe
This nausea overtaking me
I can't remove your taste from my mouth
I do all I can to wash you out.
As great as you are though I'm sure anything you do will exceed expectations!! -
I need 8 more lines and it will be complete.
-
Wow. That was incredibly strong, and touching, even to me, someone who's never really thought about this illness as a personal thing.
I would love love love to read the finished version, though this seems as though it could be finished right now.
Lovely write.
-
the imagery in this is amazing, but simple at the same time. i'd really like to see the finished version.
-
wow.... this is deep... i have no idea on what to say... this poem asonishrs me.... good job
-
i would like to see this when it's finished. the concept of this one is really a good one.
-
Though this is unfinished, I still find it to be an amazing read. You have something special here
-
i like. this. unfinished as it may be. washing your thoughts until they bleed is pretty extreme... i like the imagery that creates. overall this is a powerful piece.
p.s. i like the way you leave two lines between each stanza, it gives the reader a little bit more time to think about what they just read.
p.p.s. thanks so much for commenting on people-free zone. that really cheered me up ^_^
-
I'm really liking it. I love the story of the struggle and the sickness it causes.
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
