I deliver this cold dark stare
You see me but I'm not there
Throughout this upsetting scene
A clear mind is what I need
Your eyes come alive with a piercing light
As you begin to realize...
My heart has become a shell
And it can't restrain my truth of self
Miles away from where my body breathes
I wash my thoughts until they bleed
There's a train of dreams leaving town
And let's just say I won't be found
Your eyes follow me places I've never been
Your lips retrace words that I never meant
And you're left breaking with these promises
Now I'll tell you what I could have never said
I stick my fingers down my throat
To separate you from my soul
I'm choking on words I could never speak
The thought of you alone is gagging me...
I can't remove your taste from my mouth
I do all I can to wash you out
I can't think and I can't breathe
This nausea overtaking me
Author notes
Unfinished
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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i dont really know what to say about this, i like it but i agree it does need some tweaking, i am just not sure where.
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Mediocre poem, great song.
These would be great lyrics. That being said, I don't find it satisfying as a poem.
Still, it has its place in music.
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Vivid imagary
Wow, this is a really powerful write with great imagery and use of metaphors. I found it just a little disjointed to read, but otherwise well done indeed!!
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really good. i loved it. no seriously you are an excellent writer, i don't think you need to do anything to this one. it's perfect in my mind.
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getting there.
and as for the end how about this:
I can't remove your foul taste from my mouth,
nothing I try ever washes it out.
I taste self loathing and hate in you,
and dissatisfaction and doubt in all I do.
I can't think enough to focus
with this nausea in my soul.
I cannot recall how this all started,
or how I lost control.
That's what I expected it to end like, I like that anyway.
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Thank You
I like it, but it doesn't really fit with the flow of the poem. It's actually set to music. But they are great ideas and are giving me more ideas and inspiration.
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Awesome
You are such an amazing writer and I know you really don't need my advice but I was thinking you could combine the last two stanzas and call it done.
I can't think and I can't breathe
This nausea overtaking me
I can't remove your taste from my mouth
I do all I can to wash you out.
As great as you are though I'm sure anything you do will exceed expectations!! -
I need 8 more lines and it will be complete.
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Wow. That was incredibly strong, and touching, even to me, someone who's never really thought about this illness as a personal thing.
I would love love love to read the finished version, though this seems as though it could be finished right now.
Lovely write.
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the imagery in this is amazing, but simple at the same time. i'd really like to see the finished version.
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wow.... this is deep... i have no idea on what to say... this poem asonishrs me.... good job
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i would like to see this when it's finished. the concept of this one is really a good one.
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Though this is unfinished, I still find it to be an amazing read. You have something special here
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i like. this. unfinished as it may be. washing your thoughts until they bleed is pretty extreme... i like the imagery that creates. overall this is a powerful piece.
p.s. i like the way you leave two lines between each stanza, it gives the reader a little bit more time to think about what they just read.
p.p.s. thanks so much for commenting on people-free zone. that really cheered me up ^_^
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I'm really liking it. I love the story of the struggle and the sickness it causes.
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