Understanding Him

Dear Lord

Too many times I have had some serious doubts,

wondering if You were there at all and why I always seemed to feel

so very left out.

Questioned why you took my mother away, there were seven of us, Daddy

had his hands full and needed her to stay.

Why has everything in my life been so hard to do?

Teased & left alone as a kid, been homeless, hungry, abused, widowed

with three young children, through all of this where were You?

Lost both my real father and my adopted dad just two days apart.

I had never felt such anger and pain, saying good bye to the greatest

men in my life had shattered my already fragile heart.

Watched my first husband fall victim to drugs and alcohol, prayed

both day and night for him to stop, used to believe that if I only

loved him better then I could fix it all.

My kids were starving before my eyes, all my precious money had been

ill spent.

He had taken my very last dime but bought no food and never paid the

rent.

His angry words stung worse than if he had used his fists,  so why

did I continue to love him in spite of all this?

Just thirteen years after we had fell in love, I lost him to suicide.

I cursed him, was furious with You, where were You while he lay there

and died?

In 2005 I lost my adopted mom, took her so quick I never got to say

good bye.

The pain was so intense tears wouldn't come, it was almost a full

year before I was able to cry.

I think I get it now, You have always been here, waiting for me to

take your hand.

These things only made me stronger, made me who I am, You are my Lord

and I love you...thank You for helping me finally understand.