Lips that spoke encouragement
explore the wounds of a
broken heart.
Hands that held comfort
trace paths paved with
scars.
Eyes that offered sanity
drink the pains of the human
condition.
Skin that felt like rain
slides as liquid silk.
over
The temperature of love.
Now my wind is made of breath
my ocean made of sweat
my earth made of skin
and my sun of pure fire.
a heat that rips me head to toe
breaks me down and holds me up
am i borne again?
those lips that skim the wounds,
and those hands that trace the paths,
the eyes that drink of sorrow
and the skin that cools the draught...
tend to me in my hollow
tend to me in my madness.
the only warden of this place.
our place.
let's commit care suicide
here in our place
let's forget our worlds
and let them slide away
take my hopeful look
to mean we have much more
than this shuffled
mortal coil.
those lips can
plunder every place
you think that I've
kept secret.
let's commit the murder
of all our worldly cares.
can't we take the time
to kill eachother's time?
That smile rapes my sanity.
so let's commit care suicide
you know i think it's right
that with all our tender madness
we stay alone tonight.
Author notes
hmm... this started one place and ended quite another. but I feel it has a continuity even though it's not quite what I wanted. I may take another swipe at this; but thought I'd post this anyway.
Written January 26th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- A first contest...........different options... by UnhookTheStars.
300 points, ended March 3, 2004, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Good use of punctuation, if I may say so. The periods tend to insulate the tail-end of the stanzas, creating closed, meditative environments (I'm serious.)...though you've not used this advantage to its full potential, I believe. I am a bit ambivalent about your use of "borne" instead of the normal "born". To me, its unique qualities do not sit well in the line.
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This is quite different. "Let's commit care suicide". I love it. It is very deep and emotional. It is like garlic, the smell just lingers as does the taste. Great write and thanks for entering.
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well the first swipe was a good one.
i know what you mean; and sometimes the best comes out of your hand and not your brain.
"am i borne again?"
was that the hand or the brain? whichever one it was... well, give 'em a pat on the back, 'cuz that's fucking genius. -
i think you did fine as is, really. something i read about sylvia plath gave me a new concept on my own work - it said that, metaphorically speaking, if she started out to create a table but ended up with a chair, she was content then to simply fit the chair to suit her. the table could come later. reading her work, it's difficult to believe she didn't come up with a table every time, but then that's the nature of art - the beholder has a very different take on where the artist has succeeded and failed. you succeeded here.
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wow, this is really good. very sexy, but in an understated way. i like to see that. i LOVED this part...
let's commit the murder
of all our worldly cares.
can't we take the time
to kill eachother's time?
very good stuff here! keep it up! -
Good Stuff
Very powerful... I felt this poem for every moment I was reading it... Such great imagery... Wow... Just amazing... I loved all of it... Especially the part about being born again... And the mortal coil... Keep up the great work... -
It is an interesting poem. It does have continuity, and it flows nicely. I like the rhymes used and it is not cliched at all. I like it a lot.
~Tawnya~ -
I LOVED this! Woah! It was so beautifully written and there were some lines I just adored. Like the care suicide and whatnot. It was just wonderful and a spectacular write. Amazing job and keep writing.
Love,
XMissMisfitX
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