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Sacred Thoughts Version 1 v.s. 2

Take a walk with me
Through sacred memory
And in truth you'll find
What mask I hide behind

I'll draw for you my secrets
Open windows to my soul
Listen closely sheltered dreams
Shaping madness whole

Creep through the barricade
Where a heart begins to fade
Be weary of the silenced death
Lurking in your ice cold breath

If you find yourself entangled
In a garden of bloody thorns
Take no look behind you
For surely you should mourn

As you find yourself confronted
By a heart to be soon dead
You'll sink among the broken scorn
Where love is frail and torn

Now here, dear friend, I say
You should not feel so lost
For merely, you are walking
Down my sacred thoughts.
Version One ^^^^

Version Two \/ \/ \/ \/
Come, take a walk with me, (Or 'and walk with me')
Through my sacred memory.
And in truth, you may find,
What mask I hide behind.

I'll draw for you my secrets
Open windows to my soul,
Listen closely, sheltered dreams
Shaping madness whole.

Creep through the barricade,
Where a heart begins to fade.
Be weary of the silenced death,
Lurking in your ice cold breath.

If you find yourself entangled
In a garden, of bloody thorns,
Take not a look behind you
For surely you should mourn.

As you'll find yourself confronted,
By a heart to be soon dead.
You'll sink among the broken scorn,
Where love is felt no more.

Now here, dear friend, I say
Feel not, you should, so lost,
For merely, you are walking
Down my sacred thoughts.

Author notes

I think I like the flow of the second, the first seems a bit scratchy, but both seem to be decent

Which one do you like better, if v. 2 which line of the first verse?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 9 of 9
  • solstice
    October 21, 2008

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    Uh oh -

    I liked the opening of the first, and the closing of the first best!
    Somehow, not making it 'Mine/my' right off the bat lured me in a bit more, gave a bit more emphasis to the last line.

    The commas I found in the last stanza, second line, a bit 'stumbly.

    Again, these are my opinions, take them as you will!

    I love the rhyme, and the mix of contemporary and 'antique' feels the poem has. Nice work overall!


    • ObliviousReality
      October 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yes, I do see what your saying about the last stanza. I had much difficulty deciding on how to write it in.

      Thank you very much for your critique/opinions


  • Confused Lovesong
    October 18, 2008

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    nice poem. I like the imagery. The rhyme is arranged very nicely and all in all its a very nice poem thanks for the write and continue the good work.


  • aanika
    October 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Creep through the barricade
    Where a heart begins to fade
    Be weary of the silenced death
    Lurking in your ice cold breath

    love the imagery and flow there.
    I'm not a fan of rhyme, but I enjoyed the way you used it.


  • Clovis...Curious silver member
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Superb plus

    I think I liked version 2 the best. "and walk with me", is the line I liked best. I agree with your comment, the 2nd version does seem to have a better flow to it. Imagery, rhythm and rhyme are just fine.
    Again, well done.

1 - 9 of 9