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Deepened Light...

Missing image

Deepened soul in shameful darkness

seeking light not to go under

dark cold nights to her seem harmless

 

strength begotten nightly passes

inside feelings such soul ponders

deepened soul in shameful darkness

 

 

her ghostly battles now go soundless

nightmares overwhelming madness

dark cold nights to her seem harmless

 

in need of peace, all now seems pointless

tunnelled light she seeks out yonder

deepened soul in shameful darkness 

 

 

in need of peace, all now seems pointless 

trembles, sways through night in wonder

dark cold nights to her seem harmless

 

screams in vain the soul is voiceless

searching light her need grows fonder

Deepened soul in shameful darkness 

dark cold nights to her seem harmless

 

 

 



 

Author notes

**Villanelle
A Villanelle is a nineteen-line poem consisting of a very specific
The first and the third lines in the first stanza are repeated in alternating order throughout the
poem, and appear together in the last couplet (last two lines).

Angelic Mistress:

Form: Villanelle

Title must include the words: “Deepened” and “Light”

Picture to inspire: (please include your picture on your poem if possible & give credit)

Picture: http://freaky665.deviantart.com/art/Going-under-97389175

For the poetic challenge round 2

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • SpydurPoet gold member
    July 5
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This is an excellent villanelle. You did an amazing job using the picture as inspiration, too. I loved this.
    Write on.
    ~*~SP~*~


    • AngelicMistress gold member
      July 5
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks poet for your kind review, and comments on this my one and only Villanelle!
      blessed be,
      AngelicMistress...Tanya


  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    October 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    BRAVO!

    This took great dedication to strive to get this right. I know how hard you worked to do this. Excellent excellent job!

    **Ktulu Blackwolfe**


  • LadyDementia gold member
    October 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hey!

    WOW! Yep you got it hunni! I agree with Mel, you are dedicated and have certainly put the work in with this piece! A lot would have thrown in the towel but you kept at it until you got there, bravo! So pleased you cracked it, I hope the link I sent you helped Like I said if you want any further help just ask You have done an outstanding job and should be so proud of yourself. Well done!
    All the best in the future rounds


  • luckynsincere
    October 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    OMG!!!!!!!! WOW! You have been a busy busy lil bee!

    GREAT EDIT!!!! I am going to let the other judges know to come and review your edit!

    AMAZING!


    One small -very small- error.


    Line 8 - word is not in your rhyme scheme.


    You are an amazing poet! I admire your dedication and desire to do things right!!!!!


    BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    words as alluring as you are my friend, never has an image come to mind so strong, keep it flowing and good luck in the challenge

  • luckynsincere
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful poetry here!

    Now first of all you need to remove your abaab things as the front of each line. THis is a MAJOR overlook.

    The form is still not correct. basically each stanza should consist of three lines. Then the third line next stanza will be the same as the first line of the first stanza...then the third line of the third stanza will be the third line of the first stanza. I just managed to make that more confusing, didn't I?

    Let me give you an example of how it is to be executed

    Love is the only way
    to overcome such grief;
    still you will not stay.

    This debt my heart must pay,
    continuing with my belief,
    Love is the only way.


    now to continue you must remember that the rhyme is to continue through the entire poem with these same words.And the next stanza would have the last line "still you will not stay." So on and so forth. Here is the poem example that shadow poetry gives:



    Runaway

    Why do they runaway?
    My soul so beautiful, so bright
    But for some reason I keep them at bay

    Sometimes I wish they would stay
    They give up on me without a fight
    Why do they runaway?

    Some think I am pretty, I say I'm okay
    Though this doesn't feel right
    But for some reason I keep them at bay

    What can I do, what can I say?
    What causes their flight?
    Why do they runaway?

    Just when I think I've won their heart, they stray
    I feel like the farthest planet in the night
    But for some reason I keep them at bay

    What have I done to chase them away?
    My soul beckons to them like a beacon of light
    Why do they runaway?
    But for some reason I keep them at bay

    Copyright © 2000 Julie Wright



    Your wording is enchanting and solid, but this is not the way the form is excuted. This may cost you some points, but the main thing is you attempted. It may not be the form, but beautiful it is! This image you got was one of my favs in the bunch... can carry the mind far

    Let's do some editing on this and continue to focus on the restrictions and requirements of this form. You can keep the beauty of this piece, and alter it into the required form

    I wish you the best in judging Keep your head up!

    Mel

  • LadyDementia gold member
    October 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey,

    Beautifully presented I do see however you have forgotten to remove your line reference (letters at the start of each line) which I did find somewhat distracting while reading. Also as pointed out below you haven't repeated the alternate lines throughout which the form requires. The theme of your poem is an excellent one, some wonderful phrasing and imagery presented. I'm not to sure about the half rhyme, where only the end of the words rhyme, but thats just personal taste Over all a very sad piece, superb take on the picture and one that is well penned Good luck!

    Score 93.8

  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    October 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I agree with Bear that the presentation here is well done.

    However, I can't help but notice that the villanelle is described as having The first and the third lines in the first stanza are repeated in alternating order throughout the
    poem, and appear together in the last couplet (last two lines).


    This was not done.

    And so as I see it, it was not done right. It is most unfortunate that this awesome poem will be docked some points for that flaw.


    My score
    93


    **Ktulu Blackwolfe**


    • Arkbear gold member
      October 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yo Wolf......you're right.....I don't know what I was thinking.....I guess I was only looking at the last two lines and mind went ahead of me.......great catch

      Bear ~

  • Arkbear gold member
    October 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Mami....please place your Form into your AN's, as I have done here

    Villanelle
    A Villanelle is a nineteen-line poem consisting of a very specific rhyming scheme:
    aba aba aba aba aba abaa.

    The first and the third lines in the first stanza are repeated in alternating order throughout the
    poem, and appear together in the last couplet (last two lines).


  • Arkbear gold member
    October 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hello Mami

     

    The first tihng I noticed about this Villanelle, was your presentation......very nice.......however, I would have liked to of seen it with seperation between each Stanza ~

     

    The Villanelle is one of my past favorites, as it is simple to learn and rolls off the tongue easily ~

     

    I am not a fan of repeating so many lines, .....however, when done cleverly, such as you have done, I look past all of the repitition and engage in your Theme......stunningly beautiful Mami ~

     

    Your first few lines sure set the Tone for the gorgeous write ~

     

    I would have to say this is one of the best Vill's I have read.....you have taken your Picture Prompt and done it justice.....exquisite penning ~

     

    My score shall be sent to your Host ~

     

    Good luck & God bless you,

     

    your Son,

    Bear ~

     

     

     

     

1 - 12 of 12