Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

like mud off a shovel






have you noticed the tremor of final days in his hand

or the mournful
mouth and lizard chin
of words

were you greedy
with voice- holding each utterance as a ballad in the
                                                          belly of your lung

                                                          concealed as prayer
                                                          before the exhale

             do you imagine your own darkness looped inside october
             a crank shaft of sanded pine & sugared maple

             or fear yet, the death of orange marigold
             two seasons too soon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

m 

Author notes

-

---

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 27 of 27
  • Namita
    October 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply


  • Blkwidow77 silver member
    October 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ~~or fear yet, the death of orange marigold
    two seasons too soon~~

    These lines, my dear, are worth everything.


  • Hustom
    October 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    thats why i like this site, learn new things. no punctuation and it flows perfectly with the technique.


  • ArtFullyMe silver member
    October 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    love the shape of the five..
    for some strange reason this seems political ....
    maybe it's the air...

    no matter, whatever it is or isn't connected to, I love the way it makes me shiver .. since politically I am not sure the marigold won't die.


  • porksnorkel
    October 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I was in that band: sugared maple. It was a gratuitous phallic reference as at least half the good band names are. Band names can be broken down into two basic categories: "penis" and "satan".

    In the first category, we have such classics as Led Zeppelin, Pearl Jam, Lovin' spoonful, and 20,000 Leagues Under My Nutsack.

    The 2nd, Black Sabbath, Slayer, and The Beastie Boys.

    Oh, i forgot another category: Beach Music.

    the belly of my lung holds almost nothing these days, atrophied as it certainly is by years of smoke.


  • sheltered gold member
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like the title because it reminded me of cracked mud
    some of the imagery seemed a little awkward to me
    although it did get the intended picture across
    the big picture which expressed how I feel some days
    great ending although not for the marigold


  • poetryality silver member
    October 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    That first line shook me inside and out. Just a little "tremble" is all... I love October but November sits well with me as well. Loved the abstract feel of this poem beautiful woman. The winter of my life has begun, and I "exhale", still trying to figure my destiny with attainable goals. Guess, I'll bathe in muddy waters then, in a crystal clear brook before it's over. Hope so anyway!

    Exquisite!



    Much Love ♥

    Renee


  • Balldinger silver member
    October 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    fronted from behind...

    huh, musta been the mystery cheese that someone slipped in there with an abstract drizzle of cabernet savignon. who can help but square off in a spiritual over world, lending out lumps and swivelling pockets of rudimentary complaints for the fun of it all?


  • DogFish silver member
    October 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    ...!

  • Suzanne Dia
    October 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    the loss this speaks of
    is akin to the ache i feel when summer turns fall
    maybe it isn't quite as far down..
    but it echoes even when you find reprieve in your thoughts from it..

    it echoes
    and the chilled air whispers it
    even when you sleep
    so that when you wake
    you can't wrap the blanket around you tightly enough
    so that when you sleep you know it won't last
    and so that when you dream
    you only remember the nightmares.

    ....tangential


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    October 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    excellent...


    "ballad / in the belly of your lung"

    what a great line...


    al


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    October 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i'm there with the first line , powerful beginning, but done softly..the choice of words, the phrasing i can't imagine this could be any better.

    worthy companion to your previous piece..


  • Rowan gold member
    October 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    So fine; autumnal tones fit the mood of this perfectly.
    Excellent hon.


  • IronIcecream
    October 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    are numbers the only concept that can be taken as granted?
    the only symbol that does not obscure what they're meant to measure?

    time is as organic as what it consumes
    day, nights
    seasons
    signs
    the whole anatomy of awareness


  • NurseChilly gold member
    October 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    nobody writes mournful and death like you do!!! you capture those quiet moments and those tick tock parts in us all that just want to exhale slowly yet time will always hold us back!! - this is superb writing Mary
    as always, stunning frame of words


  • Peteskid gold member
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i have a feeling here of life curled into the change of seasons, a jigsaw mystery and the feelings time reveals to us, as more and more we see ourselves in moments, snapshots... of passage...anyhow..you got me to ponder...wonderful writing here...PK...


  • tara wilson gold member
    October 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    meaningful & powerful ...

    "were you greedy
    with voice- holding each utterance as a ballad in the
    belly of your lung

    concealed as prayer
    before the exhale"

    I love these lines...I love your poetry


  • iverbthenoun
    October 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    LOVE LOVE LOVE it... ending is just so remarkable!!!


  • MuddyKing
    October 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    for some reason I get a funeral feel and it's raining like hell, perhaps that's the two seasons too soon
    leaving before you should
    for me it has a Plath mood and feel
    I love when poetry leaves me with images without thought
    reminded me of a brother in-law...only the good die young is truer than I ever dreamed
    killer write Mary
    no pun intended

    peace and hugs
    Muddy


  • Cannonsfire
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The 5th of or 5 reasons or not anything just the way it played out...I prefer the first two rather than the last because your words always make me think inside them. C


  • notorious gold member
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    jesus.
    I don't think I fully understand what you're saying, but I do know that I easily recognized this as seriously good poetry.

    And oh my god...Meg's right, your poem is in the shape of a 5. COOLNESS!!

    Anyways.
    I freaking loved the title, especially since it began with 'like'--w00t for similes so well done...

    the "have you noticed and the "were you greedy" and "do you imagine" felt like rhetorical questions--like you already see the person you're directing this to as maybe being ignorant of themselves, and it's a bit of a rant.

    I am probably so wrong
    but that's what it made me think of.

    "mournful/mouth"<--adore this phrase, especially applied to an animal.

    "belly of your lung"
    Coolest line featuring 2 body parts EVER, and how unlikely and unique.

    "concealed as prayer"
    Makes me think of blasphemy...me gusta.

    And those last four lines.
    HOLY CRAP.
    SO GOOD.

    Love the use of 'looped' in regards to October (w00t, the month we're in, I love RELEVANT month references, which that was ) and "sugared maple"...were you feeling Canadian? Just kidding... I'm Canadian.

    "two seasons too soon"
    Love that you used two forms of the word pronounced the same way...

    So...poignant.

    I'm gonna trust Meg and decide this was political indeed.

    Jessica


  • sailor ptolema
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    ilovethis

    to me, this has a subtle political vibe.


    also,
    your poem is in the shape of a 5, or.. an s .
    (this is a rather extraneous observation)

    meg

    .


  • The Fun House gold member
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is an interesting piece. I like the metaphoric quality to it. It flows well and leaves me with a sense of pondering. I like it when a poem lingers. Excellent.


  • Grunts Girl silver member
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    concealed as a prayer
    before the exhale....
    my absolute favorite part
    the thought in this is incredibly strong, the ability for me to feel those words and turn them into my own image is real. You turned a thought... me thinking here how i pray.... i inhale, hold my deepest thought, and exhale... and yet you said that like this...
    beautifully done.
    so, i wonder what his answer was/is....


  • marc creamore
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "as a ballad in the belly of your lung"

    this image alone will linger inside my head forever me thinks . . . powerful voice Mary . . . you are fast becoming someone whose every word I do not want to miss . . .

1 - 27 of 27