Swollen mist sliding across the water
Water wandering lazily through rolling hills of pine and brush
A woman’s cry smothered silence of the distant mountains…our Mother
Handle cold against my palms
I lift you, my brother, upon my shoulder
As the only pallbearer not to look in…the coffin
You said you would never die and I believed you
After I watched you jump off the cliffs west of Talkeetna
I screamed your name
Rocks drenched in blood…clothes torn
You were laughing…you were alive…but now
The doctor couldn’t say what happened
When he told mother I saw the look in his eyes
The same look I see now as he watches me carry you
The look of a man who wants to…but hasn’t cried
I’ve seen strange shadows walking in the woods outside your house
Kyla, your wedding band forever resting upon her heart, sees them too
And is afraid
Brother…Zachery
I know what lurks across the river has something to do with this
Ropes under your coffin, coffin beside your grave
That hole hacked in the permafrost
Our breath whiting thickly in the cold
A red knot chases a spider down by the pebbled shore
Catching and eating it whole
Bird’s grunting call haunting bleeding sounds of mourning
And I…I am looking across that river as the red sun rises
Staring into the trees…watching dark shadows come and go
As needles floating in the wind
Whispers amongst the falling leaves
Author notes
7, write something that makes me feeeeeeel!
Wow. The revision process on this was insane. I put the original up on AP as "Zachery." It was 84 lines. I have learned so much from all this.
Demington
Noose around a choking heart
Eternity torn apart
Slow toll now the funeral bells
~The Poet and the Pendulum by Nightwish~
A contest entry
- The Darkwrite Challenge Round II by Ktulu Blackwolfe.
800 points, ended October 25, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lotsa Options.. Come and see!!! by FightOffYourDemons.
550 points, ended December 8, 2008, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - all the prewrites you want (theres a catch) by serenity silvermoon.
400 points, ended January 7, 299 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Respect is asked for, given and understood... :)
Comments
-
Awesome write here
You have penned this with such skill and cunningness it kept me right on the edge of my seat
-
I really love this. It is drenched in sadness. It covers the poem like a blanket and it certainly does make me feel. It has quite a bit of emotion although I don't quite understand the story although i would like to.
two slightly negative points and they are structural and grammatical.
The first is that the .... should really me replaced by commas. The places in which you have them are the places in which commas fit in a sentence. this.. nonsense should die out of proper writing.
The second is you started the a structure and dropped it. You should reorganize it back it to 4 line stanzas, well not should but it's what i would enjoy.
Thank you so much for entering -
I really like your take on this and someday may venture to read your original.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe**
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