A light so radiant,
Angels with broken wings…
Now am here…
Light songs of melodies,
Flashing back at my ears…
A soft touch of fairies at my back…
Made me stunned…
Lovely and colorful flowers,
Shining stars and rainbows,
The sun welcomes me,
While the moon smiles and giggles…
What a nice place I am in…
I followed the two set of footprints…
And ready to walk upstairs…
Beaming lights made me blind…
But am more than willing to stay…
And I am ready.
I heard somebody’s crying,
Somebody’s calling my name…
I don’t want to look back…
Here I am.
So safe and warm.
But the voices kept on calling me…
I went back and checked where it came from…
Then I see my body lying in a white coffin…
I realized I am here…
In HEAVEN…
Author notes
hello i want your critique here on my poem. thanks
A contest entry
- Tell me about Heaven by Demington.
1300 points, ended November 24, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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Critique? Hmm. Not just a casual commentary...
The fix-its first - - -
You need to check your grammar (perhaps run it through spell check). Reading this poem aloud will help you to catch mistakes like...
"Now am here…"
I suspecting that you forgot the "I" but in case you didn't it's absence is noticeable and will distract the reader.
Don't let yourself use cliches when writing poetry unless you're attempting to deconstruct them. "A light so radiant" and "Lovely and colorful flowers,
Shining stars and rainbows," are both good examples of cliche language. An example of fresh, original language is "While the moon smiles and giggles..."
I though that was one of your best lines.
The best advice I can give you right now is to watch your spaces between words, stay away from cliches, fix your grammar goof ups where you find them and read your work aloud.
I think that there is a nice sense of brevity to your work here that gives it a dreamlike, ethereal appeal. You've got some good material here and I think that you should definitely consider working on it some more.
Blessings,
C
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hello thank you so much for your comment i really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart thank you thank you thank you!!!
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Wow, what an intriguing write.
I love the imagery in this one.
Good luck to you with this write!
Jeremy0826
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