Sharp peering eyes float in front of my face,
from the oxygen void, the great vast outer space.
Every long day, they all look as they pass,
and tap their large fingers on upon the cold glass.
It's just empty staring, there is no affection,
locked here inside with my friend; the reflection.
So vacant, I move in my liquified space,
with nothing to feel, no one to embrace.
Just let me have something, a kick or a thrill!
This place is so silent, so chilly and still.
I'm longing for something, a worm or a wave,
to take my mind off of this watery grave.
Why can't I grow legs, and walk myself out there?
Why must I live to breathe water, not air?
They have nothing to fear, nothing to dread...
and they don't even care that the next day I'm dead.
Author notes
October 11, 2008... I've always wanted to write about this topic, but never got around to it.... It's about a goldfish wondering what it's like to live as a person. Fun, right?
*POW Contest*
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW - by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended October 18, 2008, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
PLEASE be HONEST when commenting my writing. Tell me I SUCK, if that's what you think.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hi there and welcome to the POW!
I never would have guessed it's possible to feel sorry for a goldfish until I read this.
How sad! I think you've done a great job with the personification of the fish - especially impressive to me in a rhyming piece.
I like and agree with the suggestions Neon mentioned. The only other thing I wanted to add is that the last line could be tweaked...
" and they don't even care that the next day I'm dead."
Reading "the next day" makes me wonder...what was the first day? It's a trivial thing, but something along the lines of, "and they won't even care when (or if) tomorrow I'm dead." might be something to consider.
While I'd have loved to see some sort of metaphorical meaning subtly slid into the poem, you've still done a nice job all around, making this a pleasure to read.
Thanks so much for joining us in the POM, and I hope you'll be back again soon. My scores will be in the final notes for the contest.
Best wishes,
~J.
Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophise have been awarded.
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Hi there and welcome to the POW I did enjoy this pome and taking from the fish's view was great my score will appear at the close of the contest. Good luck
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Welcome, AutumnsFlame,
Yes, this definitely is fun, but also rather wistful and sad. Most insightful, from the goldfish's POV.
Good use of rhyme, and the meter only stumbles in a couple of places. In Line 4, removing the word 'on' would correct the meter, and its not needed. In the last stanza, line 1, perhaps replace "and walk myself out there?" with "wander freely out there?" to conform to meter.
The end line is like a splash of cold water! But so true, alas!
I found this an easy and enjoyable read. My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.
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Heheh, nice one, great theme, could be a great metaphor,
well done and good luck in the contest,
Floorboards.
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I felt a strange sadness...almost an affinity. The life in a goldfish bowl must be very similar to that of an elderly person alone, uncared for. How sad that these creatures are left to their solitude only to die alone. Good luck in the contest
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A wonderful poem. Cute and simple. Lovely theme. Good luck in the POW
--Zach -
This is interesting. You have done a good job with this and it is actually a very difficult subject.
Well done.
Garrison
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