Possessed by Love
Murder so foul I did commit,
So next to my queen I could sit,
Loving her with my two blue eyes,
No longer must our love be a disguise.
Shakespeare tells stories of gold,
Stories that make you quake and hold,
Onto your stomach onto your meal,
Sorrow you cannot help but feel.
It is my heart you see,
That drove to be,
A devious murder, unmentionable deeds,
Her love was the grasping seeds.
No longer, my love, must I hide,
But now as I sit by your side,
I do know I have done,
Something wrong – all for a heart- I won.
The only thing I can do,
Slit my throat or start anew.
And with the razor I hold tight,
I end my life without a fight.
A contest entry
- Best Poems Ever by Scion.
900 points, ended October 27, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Wow' This really sounds professional. A bit like shakespears 'Romieo and Juliet'whe someone dies because of love! This poem is really special. Keep penning
Lana
x
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Omg this does sound like shakespear from romeo and juliet. wow! great job.
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I love it!
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pardon me, i tend to ramble
ooo, wicked plotting and murder foul (unless the victim was a silly goose murdered for the love of the beautiful dark swan of a queen, then murder most fowl works too, hehe, no offense intended, i do not kno your sense of humor yet to judge) i just love fairy tales and the lingering quality they possess, a modern writer who i feel has this quality to her novels is alice hoffman (one of which was 'practical magic' which was made into an entertaining movie, but none the less the novel was far more gripping), also, charles de lint
this strikes me as a PAGEANT piece, pageant as in an elaborate presentation of tragic history (rather than little girls with silly dresses and usually odd mothers)
i think it is a bummer that dude kills himself at the end, did he possess religious devotion to make his heinous act so unlivable with? as i did wonder that, i felt that elsewise he ought to have stuck it out and later perhaps plotted against the queen, that is just my opinion tho
because frankly, the subject of suicide makes me quite angry, as my lover tried it many years ago, i feel bad for the people who need the help, and am glad there are STRONG, BRAVE people like YOU, who are getting help despite all the torment
it is just such a waste to end one's life, too tho, it could well be that i am too scared of dying to ever consider it...yet in my past drunkeness i have endangered myself countless times, and faced down that same x lover when he pulled his 9mm on me in the middle of a party, i was so outraged that someone who called himself my soulmate could threaten me so, so outraged, and high, i told him to f*cking use it or put it away, thank goodness he put it away, and thank goodness for sobriety
anyway, great read! keep up the good work!
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Wow. Powerful. Very imaginative, though I was looking for something more about purpose and less about fantasy. Looking from my prompt to this (and back again), I must conclude that your purpose was to murder for love and then commit suicide out of guilt? am I off any bit? -OR- to write like Shakespeare. A bit blurring really. Things I do like about this:
the structure and rhyme. Very developed. I did see quite a bit of your style here and the title was appropriate and capturing. Punctuation was great- it really added to the smooth flow! Very unique take on the prompt - though it didn't quite fit the expectations. Seemed such a random poem, but well trod nonetheless. Cheers, Scion
Score:
Rules- 8.4
Title-9
Theme-8.3
Structure-8.8
Uniqueness-8.7
Grammar-8.8
Total-52.0 -
wow. don't listen to artistic weirdo (unless you have made changes since then lol) except where the spelling is concerned. she's right about that. i like the end. sounds good. rhyme wasn't too bad either... interesting wordage at times, but not bad. cool!
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Good idea, but you might want to check your spelling. 'fowl' should be 'foul' and 'are' should be 'our'. Maybe leave some space at the end, or add a 2-4 word decisive ending line? Just some thoughts.
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