I look for hidden meaning
In the simple things you say
Please give me just a little sign
That things'll someday be okay
I can't stand this distance
Or the absence of your smile
So I'll be here waiting for a change
Even if that takes a while
Everyone says you're scared
You even said that might be true
But when you retreat from me
I still want to be with you
Maybe years down the line
Our paths will cross again
Until that time I'll be here
And my position will maintain
A contest entry
- How can you mend a broken heart by rainyday woman.
875 points, ended October 15, 2008, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
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I love this! The raw reality of heartbreak is just screaming at the reader. I like the way you described waiting for that special someone, you did a great job. The last line didn't really flow with the rest of the poem, it's too coorprate and unemotional. Great write overall!
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Beautiful
I really like the poem. I love its voice and the feelings it invokes. Would I change it? Yes, only a little, just enough to balance its meter and, therefore not distract a reader. Does it need the changes? probably not; I suppose that is a matter of personal viewpoint. I suggest you try these changes just to see if it works better for you. Your opinion is the only one that really matters, since it is your creation. Since you started the first two lines with 7 syllables each and seven lines out of a total of 16 are 7 syllables, I would make each verse 7,7,7,7. It is an easy change, because already did so without changing the feeling of the poem. For example, line three first verse simply eliminate the word just. I also would change line four first verse by saying "Things will someday be okay," because that is more readable by eliminating the contraction things'll. Whether you make the changes or not, it is a wonderful poem and I enjoyed reading this sample of your work. For your reference, other lines having more or less than 7 syllables are line 5=6; line 7=9; line 9=6; line 10=8; lines 13,14,15 each=6; and line 16=8. I hope you find this comment helpful. It is a joy to read your work.
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Beautifully written, I wouldn't change a thing in it. Thank you for entering it in my contest, I enjoyed reading this piece
Cheryl
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