My life was as dull as the Nebraka plains
Until you came one day and refused to leave
Continually reaching out your hand for me
You grew trees in my desert
Taught me how to dream
How to tame my fears
How to stick around without running away
How to dance on the tip of my toes
And then one day
Without realizing it
You stole yourself from me
The children I was to mother
Now lie as unborn corpses in my mind
My dreams have died with them
And my desert has once more gone dry
A contest entry
- Best Poems Ever by Scion.
900 points, ended October 27, 2008, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
-
Oh... and let me remind you. To complete the contest, as the rules say, you need one poem on the prompt (which you have already done beautifully) and your best PreWrite. So all you have to do, dear, is add a PreWrite (one that you cherish). It's so simple. Just pick a poem you've already written and click ADD to my contest. Please add it soon, I don't want to disqualify you for a little thing like that. Cheers.
-
This is a powerful entry. I loved the way you used your words to describe the sadness and happiness that came into your life. wonderful and bittersweet imagery really make this poem. The trees in the desert image was particularly raw and touching. so true. so true. as a freewrite- i find this compellingly cohesive. The only line that I was a little fuzzy was:
"The children I was to mother
Now lie as unborn corpses in my mind"
(I think what your trying to say is "the children I were to mother" In this case the subjunctive case should be used in hypothetical situations, i.e. "if I were you" not "if I was you"). Maybe just rework that line to make your meaning more clear.
Otherwise.. impeccable relatability. I loved reading it. I just hope that someday YOU can give your life purpose rather than have it lost to a person who has gone away. Cheers, Scion.
Score:
R-8.5 S-8.7
T-8.9 U-9
TH-8.7 G-8.7
Ttl-52.5
Adding your comment:
