A heart knows such pain
Men try to be great and strong
They claim to withstand all pain
Their pride allows them not to feel
And ice flows through their veins
A thought to be a warrior
Ends in frozen tears
Perhaps not theirs
But mine instead
A hope swift disappears
Men try to be great and strong
Emotion is but weakness
Their pride allows them naught to feel
All now left is bleakness
A thought to be a warrior
Ends in hardened heart
Perhaps not his
But mine instead
A dream now dashed apart
O, a heart knows such pain!
Author notes
How I feel.....
Why is this such an unspoken rule? Why are tears seen as "womanly" things, and emotion but a weakness? Why can't a man be a strong warrior AND a tender lover? Should I abandon the dream that such a man exists?
Comments
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The repetition of 'Men try to be great and strong' and 'A thought to be a warrior' really works. Ending with the first line is also great. And don't worry: I'm sure there's someone out there who denies convention!!
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A heart does indeed know pain. Yet it can know such bliss. Season to season we reap the good and bitter harvests dear one. Yet we are assured...that our hearts shall in the end dance in magic light!
Wonderful write!
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Nice title, it drew me in.
I'm not sure about the plural of pain in the first stanza...to me it rhymes with veins without the s, but either way I suppose...
I really like the warrior stanzas, especially the second one "a dream now dashed apart" is very good
I think the weakness/bleakness rhyme is a little...poor compared to the rest of the poem. I also think that the inversion of the final words of the third line in that stanza sounds a little odd.
Bt overall I think you did a good job and I completely agree with your author's comment. I like to think I'm a "strong" warrior (ha!) and a "tender lover" too.
Well expressed
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Thanks so much for your constructive comments!
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Love it!
No, you shouldn't abandon finding that man at all, I'm marrying one. There are men who are all of those things, but they are really hard to find. I really love this poem altogether, and I love the point that it makes. If I were to revise this, the only thing that I might change is the fifth line. Instead of saying "it seems" you could completely change that, and make it a strong statement by saying "ice flows through their veins." I also adore how you say that maybe they don't cry, but we do, and maybe their hearts don't harden, but that ours might. I find that really interesting, and rather true. I think that this poem is done really well, I wouldn't change all too much considering that it speaks it's point, the overall tone is right, and it flows well.
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Thanks so much for your comments.... and for encouraging me to hope again! :-) Also, I made that edit you suggested and I think it's much better. It did seem that line was a touch too long. Thanks so much. Afraid I'm at the library and have no time to return the favour, but rest assured I shall as soon as I am able. Thanks again! Blessings!
S
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Interesting write and you comments echo you poetic concerns. As a man, I'd like to go into a long explanation of what motivates us and why we are the way we are, but I think it's more important to comment on you work right now.
I like this piece, but the flow of it is not consistent. I'm terrible for maintaining rhythm myself so I see this more than others maybe. In the second stanza you also change your rhyme scheme by using 'theirs' after 'tears'.
You definitely create a sense of pain and of woeful wonder which helps make this so strong. I think if you could back away from this a little and maybe add in a couple of metaphors you could make this a lot stronger.
Good luck and keep writing.
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Thanks ever so much for your comments. I really appreciate them. I hear the problems in the flow, as well. I heard them as I wrote it, but the words and meaning seemed more important to me at the time. I was spilling my heart out and paying less attention to the flow. Not the poetic thing to do, I know, but it happens from time to time. Perhaps I'll reread it in the near future and redress the balance. Thanks again for your constructive comments. Blessings.
S
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I know the feeling. I like the parts, "perhaps not his, but mine instead." Nicely phrased.
Thanks for the comment on my poem. Men keep implying that it's not womanly to like my reptiles and that I need to be more submissive to them (yeah right!) and perhaps even give them all up. Not a chance! What is wrong with people?
Ah, I feel your pain. Hopefully we needn't abandon the dream though. I've got a little bit of hope still.
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Me too! Heh.
Never submit! That's what I say anyway. It's our patriarchal society that's to blame really. Woman are NOT lesser than men. Guess that's why I can't keep a man... too independent!
But maybe... somewhere out there.... someday.... who knows?
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