Eidolon,
cloaked from
teasing twilight,
peregrinates alone;
its perfidious heart
bleeds on
nescient.
Coup de main!
Helpless in his arms,
only moonlight
bestows hope.
Picture Credit: http://www.danheller.com/images/California/Marin/Nite/Slideshow/img17.html
Any grammar errors?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Nice
Had to look up some of the words LOL but I enjoyed the write. Thank you
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Thank you for your entry & good luck!
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Ah what magical picture!
And the poem? Quite haunting ... and yes, the beautiful entrance and exit words are my favorites. Teasing twilight is simply great! Thank you for sharing your creativity.
Love
Myra
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ok if i could understand the words in this poem it would probably be great but i guess it could be me my vocabulary isn't very wide ranged
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Ah! You are getting better already
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Did you swallow a thesaurus before you wrote this? Poetry is not about using pretentious words. It is the job of adjectives such as tenebrous, nescient and perfidious tell, but it is a poet's job to show instead of tell. So what do tenebrous and perfidious look like? George Orwell wrote:
"Never use a long word where a short one will do."
Long words don’t make you sound intelligent unless used skillfully. In the wrong situation they’ll have the opposite effect, making you sound pretentious and arrogant. They’re also less likely to be understood and more awkward to read.
When Hemmingway was criticized by Faulkner for his limited word choice, he replied:
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don’t know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use."
So don't use the word peregrinates when you could simply say "walks."
And I think your thesaurus let you down. I don't see how susurration can dandle. Susurration is to whisper, but dandle is to bounce a baby up and down in your arms or on your knees. "Susurration dandles" just doesn't work in my mind.
Now, I would not have bothered with this long comment if I did not see potential here. I like the minimalist approach you took. I think if you concentrate more on imagery you will go far.
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