So I went looking for her....
I heard she was a chambermaid
in some cheap motel
up by Battery park.
I was still writing,
but took every
menial job available
to keep me in booze
and china white.
I met up with her
and her hundred
dollar a day habit
by the front desk.
She was flirting with the
house dick to pick up
a few bucks.
She turned and saw me.
She still had the smile
of an angel.
When she touched my face
I went straight to heaven.
She dangled a key in front of me,
to a dreary room,
that over looked our past
and a grave yard called the East River.
She pushed me on the bed
and unsnapped my jeans.
She wouldn't stop talking,
how she missed me,
how good I looked to her,
even as she exploded in my arms,
she was screaming what a bastard
I was for staying away for so long.
In the morning,
a blinding New York morning,
the sun reflected
off the broken mirror
that hung on the wall
by the sign on the door
that showed the exits
that lead to the numbered streets below.
She was silent
as she smoked a cigarette
with my belt around her arm....
Pulling on it hard,
like she did the night before,
when it was still around my waist.
Come on
she said,
lets go get some money
and do it again.
And we walked down,
to the street below.
Author notes
Welcome to the jungle.
In a list
A contest entry
- Gimme Your Best Beat Poem by James Barrett.
650 points, ended December 19, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Free Yourself. by Walking Oxymoron.
700 points, ended January 21, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ADULT Prewrite Contest! Gold, Silver or Bronze Winning Pieces Only!!! by cybilseyes.
700 points, ended July 9, 28 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the embodiment of erotica---> a rounds contest by JinSays.
1658 points, ended October 4, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Telling it like it is....an all too familiar scenario played out ....Vivid imagery between the talk, mood and the lady on who is highlighted...Characterizations skillfully penned here. Night life and morning in Battery Park..A trip to the other side of the comfort zone where many of us live..Another example of your talent...Congratulations on your awards! Sincerely
-
Graphic and sucks you in. Makes you care about the character and where he is going
-
Straight up, fantastic write. Sweet nothings can always be found.
-
Graphic but truthful. I don't like the reason behind it for it is a dreaded exsistance for anyone who has a choice today, but I admire the way it was laid out. You have a wonderful way with words. I aspire to your height although I doubt I'll ever make it. Anyway, you did yourself proud once again.
ShaShay
-
Very graphic imagery, and an excellent read from beginning to end.
-
Really liked it, thanks for sharing. I can picture the things that you decribe in my mind and your descriptions are simple but effective. I like that in the despair of their situations, they still manage to find each other again. It gives a sense of hope.
-
Worth the read. My only critique would be in the third stanza (?):
I meet up with her
and her hundred
Did you mean "met" in the first line? It upsets the meter with the tense.
Overall, very nicely done.
Thank you for sharing.
rou
-
I loved it, the way you get sucked in to this story you are telling and it flow over and over.
Love D.L.
-
Wow. Very well written. So many thoughts swirl in my head as I read it. Nicew job
-
I love this piece. It's deep and beautiful a morning in the city
-
I love this write.
Thanks for entering it,
and welcome to the second round Gypsy Man
...
I wish you the best, love. Always,
love.
jin -
this poem is so beautiful and deep i love it
-
outstanding
a very gripping and gritty real to life rendering of a day in the life in the city..
more than a little aware of these scenes..
-
Fuck
this just has such an air of authenticity. it is just so real. i can't help but understand and empathize with every moment. what a snippet, what a snapshot of experience.
-
There is a House
in New Orleans....I used to sing that song. The first time I sang it with a 'bar band' a fight broke out that wound up on the street.
I didn't sing in that bar long. Not my type of work. This is such a raw, potent and vivid write. It's so real it has me uncomfortable. I see this won 2 Gold & an HM. People do like raw, filled with imagery. 
Depicting a life you know about but don't live? 
-
This stanza is my favorite;
In the morning,
a blinding New York morning,
the sun reflected
off the broken mirror
that hung on the wall
by the sign on the door
that showed the exits
that lead to the numbered streets below.
Wonderful write :] -
This is a side of you I haven't seen. It's great I think you did a wonderful job. You have a lot of emotion in it.
-
What an interesting way you've put these words down! You are simply amazing at expression through poetry... and my envy of your skill is that which killed dime bag darrel... pure... un adulterated. You are an amazing poet
-
wow amazing poem
great job -
"She was silent
as she smoked a cigarette
with my belt around her arm....
Pulling on it hard,
like she did the night before,
when it was still around my waist."
amazing imagery.
thank you for entering. This is absoultly wonderful. -
Real, raw and gritty, I loved it, I write often about addiction and I'm also a New Yorker, so this was easy for me to relate to, this stanza was perfection:
"She was silent
as she smoked a cigarette
with my belt around her arm....
Pulling on it hard,
like she did the night before,
when it was still around my waist."
Great Job!
-
I'd like to see how this would work out as a piece of prose and not a piece of free-verse poetry. I think it might work out better and it might be something you'd find fun to do as well. Seems you're particularly attached to this piece.
-
She dangled a key in front of me,
to a dreary room,
that over looked our past
and a grave yard called the East River...
this really stood out to me!! as always you tell a wonderful story. nice author's notes as well. welcome indeed. still, this shows the beauty that stands between two people in a crazy place very well.
-
Bravo
Wow, just a truly awesome read this, just love it!!
-
Wow this was so good. I loved this. It flowed really well. Awesome job!
-
all i can say is that i read it...it gave me serious chill (goose) bumps...i had to walk away....and still ten minutes later i still have chillbumps because of this....so raw and excellent...words can't really describe what i feel about this piece....
-
I'm blushing and feeling a little like I have vertigo! Great piece... wow! Thanks for the entry!
Cyb -
I like your storytelling and descriptions right there with it, been there done that,enjoyed keep stepping
-
Amazing flow...
powerful, great imagery and subliminals, love the in your face, no excuses this is what it is attitude..
-
I love raw honesty in a poem.
It's what I was "raised" on as a writer. Bukowski, Waldman, diprima,keroac, orvlovsky etc... Poetry is simplicity and honesty. You have it in this piece.
It was simple.. It was honest..
-
Excellent write. Thanks for sharing.
-
Definitely has that beat poet feel. There were some parts that could have used a bit more of that strong imagery, but all in all it was a satisfying poem. Thanks for writing and best of luck in the contest!
-
Oh man that was great. So real, bro. The belt, man. That whole thing was just excellent. Once again, your shameless pitch got me. I saw "All my friends are junkies" and I just had to click. Glad I did.
-
wow.
this reminded me of the book Razor's Edge.. kinda similar tragic re-meet theme as you've got going here.
this was gorgeous and heartbreaking.
good write. -
Wow, very very interesting. I liked the use of the belt.
Thanks for entering!
-Dlvvanzor -
The underlying theme of the belt and its dual function is more than a little disturbing. I love the fact that you've managed to twist something like love-making into something perverse by entwining it inseparably with her habits. I also liked the duality of the female antagonist, flirty and dirty. Raw and poignant. Very well done.
Best of luck and thanks for entering! -
This is such a candid portrait you've painted here my friend. The human-ness and sadness strike me deep. The detail that remains with me after the words fade is the belt- around her arm in the morning, pulling on it, like the night before from around your waist.. Such a powerful, meaningful snippet.
Khia
-
ooh serenade is a cool words. coolwordness!
menial. is SUCH a freaking awesome word.
kay, i dont think ill ever be able to find something that i dislike about your words collaged together to find their own meaning-the WAY you do it is so classic and unik. its cool. wow my vocabs deteriorating...and so'smy spelling
-
This was sweet in a strange way. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.
-
what a queer little poem. I love it. It had a weird little beat that made me not want to stop reading. Poems like this are what inspire me so wonderful job poet.
-
It's not the hooker that one should see but the face underneath the angels mask, a habit that makes habits, beautiful and well deserved of the trophies!
-
wow wow I can see why you won the trophies for this it is one of the best narrative poems I have ever read ...i takes me 1940's detectives hat off to yah poet/writer this is soo kool
-
Wow!
this is truly a work of art. such imagry. I can see it. a moment in this life, what an incredable write. this should have taken a gold. so worthy of it have you attempted to publish?
-
Excellent writing!
Great story, and much deep expression and feeling, with excellent use of wording. Congratulations on a well deserved tropy/s.
-
this was kind of a cool sex tale i enjoyed it you did great with holding my attention which is rare becuase my though expand is extremely short good luck to you in the contest
-
She dangled a key in front of me,
to a dreary room,
that over looked our past
and a grave yard called the East River.
These lines touch me deeply. Even though I've never been to NY, I am familiar with the life that happens there.
Ugh Liam, this is very painful. But it's also honest, and beautiful.
I dont know why you'd think it would make me puke, that's just silly/ I've been deeper in the mess of life than that honey.
Love it, congratulations on your shiny,
Love,
jin
-
Reality sometimes takes so long to hit us and that hooker in any clothing or needle and thread can be a winner as long as any (yes I said any)...of us let her...
so how about rolling up the body and screaming for her to GO AWAY...(and forever away)....can we win???
No!
Not till more people care...
Sorry by the way excellent words of truth... and life
Forever,
-
Wow...
I had to read the last part again...Missed the word arm!
Anyway, I'm back.
I really enjoyed this. Whether it was about you, or not, it was electric.
You could feel so much radiating from this piece. -
So to me, this is about a street walker that has seemed to have fallen for you. Kind of a beauty in the darkness which is something I am drawn to.. Great Job, I enjoyed this!
-
ROAR,ROAR,ROAR!!
glad you let me into your jungle. this was like your other work i've read,plain damn good. i don't go in for telling people you should have did it this way or you should change that. for me poetry comes from the soul and life's lessons. sometimes you don't learn a damn thing from those lessons but if they allow you to pen poetry hey then thats the plus.the poem needs nothing you gave it everything a good piece of poetry can hold.LIFE!!
-
reminds me of a scene from Bukowski's life
-
Very raw and an extraordinary write.
Reminds me of some sort of film noir
=]
Best of luck to you in the contest -
i really like the honesty and openness with which you have written this piece. although predictable at times, it was very interesting and i could picture the whole situation happening in my mind
-
Deep
Very open and raw. Well written.
-
really well done
-
dig it L, it just oozes that Burroughs type feel to it with junkiedom and zombie love. Congrats on a most deserving gold. Kudos!
-
Lowell, I love this piece. I was blown away by it! Brilliant vivid imagery.
-
OI. Holy shit. Its so full of twisted passion, and the theme was very dark for you. That being said...Wow. I loved it. Its a long piece, compared to my average, but I wanted it to keep going. At the same time, I could appreciate the beauty behind where you ended it.
It makes me feel hot chills, if that is possible. Which is odd, pleasant, and extremely uncomfortable all at the same time.
Always,
V
-
'I meet up with her
and her hundred
dollar a day habit
by the front desk.'
Sehr gut. Verlich verlich gut.
As soon as that line appeared, my mind buzzed to find it. The style is strong, and in some way, I like the broken lines. Such a strange tale, though, but one I've seen face to face.
Bravo.
-
wow!! you have an awesome tale here, erotic, with a fantastic vivid scene. Love the idea of been this woman..
Great work
blessings
-
wow
i absolutly adore this poem!!
intense
sexy
and damn right awsome!!!
the imagery is outstanding, see and feel every line you have written, i could read this over and over
its like a film reel, i bow down to you lol fantastic!!
-
This was intense. What a great write! I especially like the phrase "a blinding New York morning." Great imagery. Also your separation of stanzas makes the piece look interesting and keeps the flow moving along, which I like. Great job.
-
I know I have already commented on this one, but came across it again and had to enjoy it. Deliciously raw Liam! No flounce in this piece. I just love it!
-
wow i really like this poem and it flows so well! I am very ... sheltered although I am 20 years old so this is very interesting to me I like it alot though and am looking forward to reading more of your work, great write!
Laura -
'Welcome to the jungle' for sure! This is so true! Amazing and I went on one wild and wicked ride!
-
Wow, such a powerful piece! I've never been to NY, but you still give it justice. A great portrayal of life on the streets.
Great work!
-
wow a great write. i love this !!!
omg! you have me gushing over your work!
-
a-m-a-z-i-n-g.
that is what i think. i wouldnt even think of changing your line break, or stanzas. they are quite nice. -
Wow I love the way this poem makes me feel. The entire time I read it I felt as though I knew exactly how the person felt. I feel I've been in a situation similar to this. Don't change a thing its great!!
-
i liked it very much it reminded me of a book called "Tweek" by nic sheff
-
i like the atmosphere of this poem. it gives it a slight gritty feeling, like you're in the seedy part of New York City.
Interesting flow. nice rhythm, which is one of the most important parts.
overall, good job.
-
very deep but such a good write
rewarded 4
-
Good write.
I read all the way to the end and was pleasantly surprised that she didn't take off with your wallet.
-
Good luck on the contest.another great poem from you.Could picture the details well.Kind of depreesing but I know that is what you were hoping for.
-
Love this!
It's beautiful, with it's quiet sense of desperation. And, as a native, I still miss the old, seedy NY...this sounds like these two could've been Sid & Nancy's neighbors at the Chelsea. Love it!
-
loved it, really loved it...
it just had this really unpatronising feel to it, basically poetry is life and you were just laying this imperfect scene that stank of beauty. and i enjoyed it, thats the main thing. this was refreshing because you didn't do what so many other poets here do and use words they dont understand or try to be clevered than they are to show off. you didn't do that but you still created beauty and captured a moment. esp the first stanza , cheap motel in battery park one.
-
this was simply amazing! I loved the imagery, the flow, everything! This is a wonderful piece, to read, to enjoy! You see a side to life that so many see, but seldom hear from. Great piece!
-
Holy crap! I mean...wow! This is so well crafted! I love the way you set it up. I've been to New York twice to play at Carnegie Hall, and this was great imagery. I've been around Battery Park before and you did a great job of invoking such images in my mind. Well done.
ing alone,
Mylee -
welcome to jungle of love, lust and drugs...where pain is the name of game and yet you find your self hocked... what a story my brother and so many details you have filled in
otc...
-
My Irish brother, you have such a remarkable way of telling a story, providing the smallest detail but still allowing your audience to induct their own personal experiences into the piece. This process only ensures that I am personally affected by what I read from you. What a wonderful skill to have! All my best & blessings to you!
-
You are an exquisite story-teller, pocketing emotion in the most unlikely places, endearing characters to my heart that I would never think of loving. You are a miracle worker with language and I love to read your work!
-
WOW!
don't know what else to say, man, you nailed it!
-
I am speechless! I love the way you wrote this. WOW
"She was silent
as she smoked a cigarette
with my belt around her arm....
Pulling on it hard,
like she did the night before,
when it was still around my waist."
That is one of the sexy things Ive ever heard. I just loved it! Congrats on an excellent write. -
wow that was great! I hung on every word.
-
this is a great piece of writing- it's honest, affecting, and powerful. i love that it speaks of addiction without sugarcoating it, it is neither flattering nor completely disapproving, and it really reflects the ambivalence a user feels, or at least that i did in that situation.you also tell the story really well, without being overly wordy. excellent, all the way around.
-
Speechless!!!Stunned!!!
I applaud you, sir, on one of the finest bits of writing I have seen in a very long time. Tough and cutting like Henry Miller, gritty like Kerouac, and with an honesty that is all you. This is what good writing should be.
-
Sorry- I didn't finish my comment before I sent it.
I really liked the storytelling aspect of this poem as well. The whole structure and breakdown of the poem itself helped the ideas behind it flow in a way where I didn't even notice after the first line or so that I was reading a poem, it all seemed so careless and natural, which is why I probably first thought it more closely resembled prose. You wrote this and structured it in such a way that really kept my interest and pulled me through the poem in a way that really seemed to have a life of its own. The perspective of the storyteller as well is clear and strong.
Your style of poetry is so different from mine- will you read some of the poetry I have written and give some criticism?
Cheers-
Margaret
-
I think this was a really strong piece of writing, but don't see it as poetry. It comes off as more prose than anything else to me, but then again, my idea of poetry is delicate words and rhyming, so it may just be me. I thought a lot of the write was very original and approached beauty in a blunt way that I wasn't sure was possible. There were a few words that pulled me out of the culture shock, though, that seemed too traditional comparisons to the uniqueness I felt the rest of the poem had. Comparing her to an angel and being with her to being in heaven seem a little cliche and are puzzling to me. They don't seem to fit with the rest of the poem, which I can understand from one point of view, being that she seemed to have been an escape from an otherwise hellish world, but what I mean is that it didn't seem to have the same spirit of individuality as the rest of it.
-
Superb, brilliant a masterpiece
-
wow. such raw power resides in your words. i don't really know what to say though except that this really made me think. the imagery is intense throughout and the stanza about the belt around her arm was an amazing way to connect the two actions. excellent work, nonetheless. best wishes
~shadowlyn -
Last night I was really drunk and I commented on this, but somehow I didn't send it. Maybe that is for the best.
No one knows the jungle like a prostitute knows it. This poem is great. Although prostitution usually turns me off, this poem totally hooked me. Its raw and almost romantic in a casual kind of way. My favorite part was:
"even as she exploded in my arms,
she was screaming what a bastard
I was for staying away for so long."
Well done Mr. Poe. Lets go on a space truckin date.
always,
Jen
-
i loved this kept me intrested all theway through i love the story hear and it feels reall i feel like the guy inthis poem i feel like im there and that last verse is great this is a flawless piece of poetry i really mean BRAVO!!!!
-
That was just wonderful!!
It drew me along like a drawing who's art portrayed sensual, dark beauty. -
WoW! That was just mind-boggling! Great job, I was glued to every word. Very dark and sensual, honey! You made me blush!
-
Oh wow. I love this poem so much. Breaking the habit is the hardest thing to do. And even when the habit is broken, the memories of it linger, haunting us with the melancholy mood of its past. A powerful poem indeed, my good friend. bravo. It touches my soul in ways i didn't think other people's poetry could.
-
Cool poem! I've been meaning to read this and I got so crazy busy that it slipped my mind. But I was going through the featured and say it, so I clicked right away. This is really cool. I liked your perspective in this urban jungle. I can't say I know all that much about it but I loved how you had your focus on how much she missed you and everything else just kind of became the background. It works really good here.
-
BOOKMARKED!!
Old ghosts never leave. They don't. Ever.
Sometimes I wonder, you tell the stories so in depth, you are so spot on it seems, is this real? Is this man more like me than I thought?
Take that extra step Lowell, don't ever second guess yourself...Even with something you were slightly hesitant with, and where others would fail miserably, you prevail.
"In the morning,
a blinding New York morning,
the sun reflected
off the broken mirror
that hung on the wall
by the sign on the door
that showed the exists
that lead to the numbered streets below."
I absolutely love how it still has your grand style, your feel of...I don't know quite the word I'm looking for...your...truth?...yet it shows it with such concrete imagery while still hinting at an eluding metaphor. To me, the focal point of this stanza is not the blinding sun, but the broken mirror. Despite being broken, it's still hanging. Beautiful Lowell...
Couldn't have said it better myself!
You told me, and I'll tell you...Stepping outside of the norm...taking a chance...Challenging yourself, that's where greatness lies, and my friend...You've found it yet again.
BLESSINGS ALWAYS,
BRANDON
-
"She dangled a key in front of me,
to a dreary room
that overlooked our past
and a graveyard called the East River."
such a story-teller's heart you must have! You become the characters that you create....and you place each one of your readers in their shoes. Such darkness here...such hopelessness...yet within even this life, there is beauty, love, and passion.
"She still had the smile of an angel..."
"She was silent
as she smoked a cigarette
with my belt around her arm...
pulling on it hard,
like she did the night before,
when it was still around my waist."
I can't even tell you how powerful this image was for me...the last two lines were sensual, almost erotic and arousing...I may have blushed a little. Such a strange blend of darkness and light, passion and numbness....wow.
I was completely taken in. My heart marvels at the kind of man you must be.
-
Oh yeah I know....
Liam brother, you can take the kid outta the street, but you'll never take the street outta the kid, likewise, take the needle outta the vien...but the venom will always remain..."Oh oh the damage done..." god blessya, you been where it's at, an no-one can ever take that away from ya...
"to every thing turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn and a time for every purpose under heaven" Seger/Byrds/Dylan
Keep on walking brother
I dig your poem big time
John
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