Here is a nature-personified, nature-metaphor-stuffed piece by Pablo Neruda, and the true lives of such victims in the next box below...
"Here I love You" by Pablo Neruda
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorous on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.
The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.
Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.
Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.
Here I love you.
Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.
The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes and starts to sing to me.
The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire..
"Here, Love in a Parallel Nature" by wbiro The natural elements are busy admiring you,
even loving you,
for you do need to hear it so,
and to no end...
but, one day, they snapped...
The dark pines schemed,
for they had enough of the wind,
a glutton for being used as a nature metaphor;
and the moon admitted it detested the pines
for violating the linear grace of her beams
during the green shadowy personification rituals meant to enchant...
The waters were churning madly, too,
they had always been grumpy, and contentious with all,
now seething at being called forth in verse
only when a stormy passage was needed-
they were just plain sick and tired of battering hopes and dreams
and crashing forlorn like lamenting heartbeats
against the ever-immovable craggy reefs…
The snow, so gentle, pure, and white,
and as innocent as a baby's behind
was hated by everyone,
just for that-
it made the elements feel so sullied and wasted…
The gulls, in a fit of malevolence,
shredded holes in the white billowing sails
singing majestically in the flawless blue sky,
which was planning to have the ever-smiling stars
beheaded at dawn…
Not even souls were safe-
for the sea sounds were plotting against them
with a rigged trial run by poetic device whores
who plied their trade waving lipsticked illusions
in sea shanty towns…
Was love in the air?
Yes, in the form of a single, sliver of a kiss,
still alive, skimming just above the violent crests,
barely surviving the malevolence of the elements;
it was your kiss-
the source of my feverish [cum fatal] love for you;
I traced its path, weaving in and out of the heavy traffic
that shipped its horrible crud across the sea lanes,
which didn’t care-
suffering miserably from toxic-shock depression;
The vessels hurled their heavy anchors at the darting kiss,
chains rattling in rusty glee,
out of spite, and a few just for mean sport, trying to flatten it;
for they knew there was little chance
that such a kiss would ever be blown their way…
The piers were drunk as hell,
their cheeks flush with the moon’s glow, and then some;
they hurled degrading insults at the twilight,
then spouted lewd propositions to the night
which rustled its luminiscently dancing leaves teasingly
as it strolled elegantly by…
Author notes
this was an "I was just so weary of nature metaphors/personifications" piece… or, was it is simply that I do love to prod and poke those forever stuck in one mode (albeit they get better and better at it)...
Contest Note: I chose the iconoclast option...
Current Feature Note- I made several minor changes and a few additions, with the (ever futile?) intent of making it "better"...
In a list
A contest entry
- Calling All Abstractionists, Iconoclasts, and Plastic Clowns! by lunarlunacy.
1068 points, ended October 13, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I have written an emulation of Pablo Neruda's "here i love you" too - and of course, i kept to natural metaphors, lol! your version is delightfully fresh and witty...especially liked the "drunk as hell piers". Congrats on your gold trophy - so well-deserved.
And hey, thank you for the list!!
~ Nicolette
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I didn't know how you were going to react, bite my head off or hit me with a frying pan, so I had a response ready- that you've been my favorite poet(ess) since my first days here (I think Pinhead was my favorite Poet-dude) (you know, 'just rob' now), and your position hasn't changed; so if you find me poking you, I am poking up into the hayloft from below... (hoping I'm not disturbing any hanky-panky in the hay that you may be... um... exploring, of course...)
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well done
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this was so deserving of gold. What a brillient piece of writing. Bravo my freind
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thanks, but you know, the first thing I did was check to see if you were a guy- because I have a funny notion that this piece is a "guy" piece- with said sentimentality (meaning hardly none!)
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Very interesting response, one of my favorite lines was "their cheeks cheeks flush with the moons glow"...it evoked the romanticism of the poem. Overall it was a pleasure to read.
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thanks for the eval... and it makes me want to evaluate the merit of 'pleasure' (as it relates to reading)...
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The title drew me in and I must say disappointment does not follow me home after reading. A great piece by Pablo Neruda and a Unique and Inventive response piece from your own feathered quill. No wonder this wears its golden decoration proudly on its shoulders.
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thanks- interesting to note I felt I had to jazz-up the title (from "Here, a Parallel Nature" that mimics Neruda's title) to draw somebody in (in order to entertain and enlighten, of course...!)
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Wooh! Thats genius! I love it, youre vocabulary is enormus!
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I think you Have "GOLD'
I think it is very deep and thoughtful. Maybe one of the best I've read. What ever your changes and additions, they all worked. It is just right.
It spoke to my heart so that I felt Happy and Sad.
Thanks for the read, Jackie
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i can appreciate this poem especially, as i have just done a poem based on his poem 'love' so am in the mindset to the thinking
well done.
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Wow this is amazing. I can hardly comment...wait reading it again...I love it! So cynical, and indeed a parallel world, I love this stanza...
The gulls, in a fit of malevolence,
shredded holes in the billowing sails
singing majestically in the clear blue sky,
which itself was planning to have the ever-smiling stars beheaded…
Your mood is so evident in this write and you have projected it upon all things so that I have a magnificently painted piece of mere abstraction with a taste of practicality in my mind. Wonderful work!
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shivers
"for the sea sounds were plotting against it,
with a rigged trial by the poetic device whores
weaving lipsticked illusions in the sea port town
love this, I think I live there, beatiful, thank yoo
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lol
How refreshing was that?
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Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
loved these lines poet!!!
youve got an amazing way with words poet!!!
good luck in life !!
much love,
Anagha-Natara
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Superb plus
A most excellent write, indeed. You've expressed your thoughts quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us.
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Amazing! Your use of metaphors was amazing.
When I read it, you gave me a bright picture of what was going on. Really liked it
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ok, im blown away! Utterly. I will have to return and give this a proper and endepth response. in the mean time i have played long enough, its gonna be a long day at work on 3 hours sleep with no pick me up, but upon these amazing words i shall sleep well. amazing write, amazing. Honoured to have this wordcraft bless my first contest.
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